I am wildly unhappy.

New Challanges

I'm hardcore procrastinating writing my essays for my Allen application. I don't know why it's taking so long for me to get around to them. I've put the application off for such a length that it's getting down to the point where I'm worried that I won't have enough time to complete and turn it in before the deadline. So I'm cracking down now. I guess. I'm still taking it really slowly, though. I feel like I'm delaying it because it scares me...I'm nervous. Once I hand it in, that's it. Then I'll just have to wait to hear back. I'm going to be so disappointed if I don't get accepted. I'd still have another semester to try and apply again, but I'd be so discouraged. I worked so hard this past semester. It's the first time that I felt like my parents were actually proud of me...and that I was proud of myself. Although the majority of my previous semester was spent in the library, my GPA makes me feel so good about myself that I'm 100% willing to continue to work this hard for the next three years. So I'll be sending my application off and waiting until June to hear my fate.

Kirkwood classes start next week for me, and I'll continue to work. Things are going to get pretty hectic in the month of June, but I'm going to be so grateful for some chaos. I've been doing virtually nothing. Messing around on my guitar. Painting a little. Reading a lot of Kurt Vonnegut. I try to keep myself busy during the day but there's just not a lot to do. My nightly routine generally consists of me doodling in my journal and falling asleep to the dim glow of Friends on my television at midnight. Wake up, repeat. The positive aspect of all of this down time is that I've been focusing on making healthier life choices. I've been working out every morning and taking the time to make healthier meal options for myself. I've been physically feeling a lot better. Eating healthier and being more active just puts me in an all around lighter mood.

As for the long distance....I can't tell if it's getting easier or if I'm just getting accustomed to being alone again. Some days are harder than others. There have been a few instances where he'll just have fifteen minutes to talk to me. I can tell he's physically and mentally exhausted so I will quietly sit and listen to him and tell myself that what I had wanted to talk to him about can wait. I think support is a really important part of a relationship. Sometimes you need to be strong for the other person, and set aside your own needs to focus on theirs a little more when necessary. Sometimes I get a little selfish and feel frustrated and complain that that's unfair to me. But I know that it's just what I need to do for this summer, because this is really important to him and I want to support him in any way possible. And I'm thankful to have a couple friends to turn to if need be. I miss him. But I know everything is going to be okay when it's all over.

Linger On

[Disclaimer: Here comes another boyfriend post because I have yet to begin work and classes for the summer and until then...this is about as interesting as it gets.]

When the distance first began I was on some sort of bizarre high. I was somehow excited about this new challenge for us...excited about how much stronger we would be after it, I suppose. After our first phone call I was beaming after all of the wonderful things he'd said to me about how thankful he is for my support and how his feelings grow stronger for me after each passing day. And with those words something wild was building up in my stomach, moving up into my chest and pounding incessantly wanting to break free. I was floating with blissful and surprising delight over how well things were going from miles and miles away. 

But I failed to recognize the early fog of naivety and last night I got a taste of what this summer is really going to be like. He made it very clear to me that we would only be able to speak on the phone three times a day. I knew that. I was well aware. I guess what I wasn't aware of was how difficult this factor would really make things. I go all day without hearing from him, which is fine. I mean, it isn't fine. Obviously. But I know that he's working all day so he couldn't talk to me if he wanted to. Then I get a text from him at 10:45 asking how my day went, we send a couple texts back and forth, and then he tells me that he has to be in bed by 11:00 because his day starts at 6:00 am. I totally understand that, and I want to be supportive. The frustration comes from waiting to hear from him all day and then having to be satisfied with a couple texts back and forth until the next night, when I'll be rewarded for my patience with just the same. With the exception of the three phone calls a week, of course.

I just need some distractions. And someone to talk to. Someone to talk to would be really really great.

I've been completely forcing the thought of being apart for three months to the darkest corner of my mind for as long as possible. Today when I was writing Michael a goodbye letter it resurfaced. I'm falling apart a little right now. This is going to be hard.