The Queen

Once upon a time there was a wide-eyed girl with spiral curls and a nervous tick
and her mother was the queen of the world.
In the girl's eyes, her mother knew everything there was to know.
The queen would answer the girl's questions
seamlessly
effortlessly
and the girl would smile up at her with satisfaction
flaunting the juxtaposed truth and bragging,
"my mom told me so".
Years later, the little girl will sprout
tall and curious.
She will glance down at the Queen and ask,
"are you answers justified?"
and the Queen will shake her head profusely
as if there is no other truth.
But the girl will finally see
the stubborn flecks in her mother's eyes
the ignorance in her tone
and realize that,
maybe the Queen still has a lot of growing up to do.

------------------

After the fight I had with my mother I realized that the words I threw at her were pointless and a complete waste of breath.
I had hung up the phone upset, but satisfied, thinking maybe I had gotten through to her, maybe opened her eyes. I had finally gotten to stand up to her and tell her what I really felt.
But later, once my throat reopened and my eyes had dried, I knew that my mother was only scoffing on the other end of the conversation, thinking of me exclusively as some naive child who has no idea what she's talking about.
She has yet to realize that I'm not a child anymore, but that I've formed my own opinions, beliefs, ideals
separate from her own. I have become an individual and either she has yet to accept that or she just doesn't want to.
My relationship with my parents has always been rocky
but after this I feel a permanent pressure against my ribs
because a gate has been opened
and I've been flooded with the realization of how different we really are
and how that will never change.

I've Experienced My First Healthy Breakup

Seth and I got coffee yesterday afternoon, in between my intense studying and mini panic attacks.
And it was nice. Refreshing.
He was skinnier than I remembered, he looked good.
We sat down and talked for two hours like nothing had changed.
He instantly apologized for everything, and said he had never intended to go to France leaving things with us the way he did. He told me he regretted keeping up so many walls when he was with me, refusing to let me in, and he said he didn't think I deserved that.
He also said that maybe it was good I had those five months away from him. He said he was glad that I was able to find someone that made me happy and to figure out what I wanted. He even told me that my boyfriend seemed like a really nice guy.
I was so shocked at how forward he was being about the whole thing that I was unsure of what to say first.
As I looked at him from across the table, I could tell that he genuinely meant every word. I saw how much he had changed and how much he had matured. And I smiled because I was glad for him.
I felt more at ease talking to him than ever before, because there were no more barriers between us.

As we reminisced over our relationship, I realized what I completely different person I was back then. Lazy, sloppy, too quiet, making poor health decisions, and unsure of pretty much everything. He and I got together at such a strange time in my life, when I was transitioning into reality, and discovering my ideal self. Seth even commented on how much I've changed, and it felt good that he saw it too. We touched on all of our old topics like religion and politics and general philosophizing and a warm feeling of pride surged over me, because I had finally formed my own strong opinions on everything and could give my input, rather than just let Seth talk at me.

Once we got up to leave, we hugged goodbye and he gave me a friendly smile and told me to take care. It was one chapter of my life that actually felt good to turn the page on, rather than wanting to throw the book across the room.