Thoughts

Last night the build up of everything I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks enveloped me and dragged me into its darkness. Things that I used to enjoy seem to do nothing for me anymore. I've slipped into this combination of dissatisfaction and a feeling of helplessness. I'm dreadfully bored with my life and I can't seem to put a finger on why. Just recently it's occurred to me that without change, my life feels trivial and empty. I've always thought of myself as someone who needs consistency and stability in life, but apparently that's not the case. I'm going to get myself some help, some real help. It's a big step for me but I feel like it's time to stop avoiding the inevitable. I've thought about seeing a therapist or counselor for a few years now but was too fearful of ever admitting it out loud. Even now I'm really struggling with picking up the phone and making an appointment for myself. Last night all I could do was stare at the number on my screen and try to pretend like I didn't have an overwhelming need to cry right on the spot. It's a scary thing, admitting you actually need help. I've always taken pride in handling things internally and holding my own. I don't see myself as a very needy person, and I secretly despise the thought of being dependent on someone else for a pick-me-up or something of the sort. But depression runs deep in my family and I can feel myself spiraling into something bigger than anything I can handle on my own.

Utilitarianism

In my philosophy lecture we’ve been discussing the views of utilitarianism. A utilitarian essentially believes that every action you perform should completely maximize the happiness of the individual whom the action most affects. Of course there are a lot of controversies, issues, and other factors that play into this ideal, but recently we’ve been focusing on the utilitarian’s perspective of judgment of character. What makes a person good or bad? Some believe that the actions directly reflect the person’s character and depth of intentions. The utilitarian, however, stands firm with the whole "not of the act, but of the agent" ordeal. Actions could be morally wrong, but intentions tower over these actions like a looming unbreakable force. I’ve begun to wonder how a utilitarian (or any person in general) would perceive me if they knew the length and carelessness of my actions. Within these past few months I've undoubtedly failed to be the best version of myself I could be. Daughter, friend, girlfriend, human being. I've made decisions that benefit one while simultaneously bringing others down, but all the while meaning well. Is the phrase "actions speak louder than words" complete bullshit? Is there any chance that I still make the cut for the "good person" category despite my despicable actions?