My Complicated Relationship With My Parents

It's really frustrating, in a weird sort of way, hearing everyone in college talk about how homesick they are because they miss their parents. I've been here for over a week and I haven't felt homesick once. Not once.

My parents and I have an odd relationship. It was really rocky for a year or so, and it can still be not-so-great at times, but for the most part it's okay. I don't have trouble communicating with my mom. I can talk to her about pretty much everything, give or take a few personal things such as boys or drama. On the outside looking in, my mother and I seem to have a pretty healthy relationship.

In a heartbeat I label my stepfather as my actual father. He's been more of a dad to me than my biological father ever was. But growing up with someone who cares for you like a father isn't anywhere near the same as growing up with someone who gave you life. I think, for a long time, I had tricked myself into thinking that it made no difference, but it does.

My parents and I don't really show affection towards one another. We hug on rare occasions and I can't remember the last time my mom and I exchanged "I love you"s. Up until my little sister was born, I called my stepdad Jeff. We've never said I love you to each other, it's just not the way our relationship works. It's not that we don't love each other, because I know that we all do...it's just that for some reason we don't do well at showing each other affection.

When I was 11, my mom announced that she was pregnant with Ava. I think that's when these problems began. My little sister was given so much love by both of my parents, that I think I felt pushed off to the side. Especially with my mother. My mom used to spoil me so much, but when Ava was born that just ended. I was overwhelmed with jealousy and feelings of rejection that I started to curl into my own shell, distancing myself from my mother.

The hardest part about being born into a fucked up marriage, is that while I was being ignored by my dad, I had to watch my step dad give Ava all the love that I never got from a father. Jeff is the most amazing parent. He cuddles with Ava before bed, hugs her close when he reads her books, and kisses her goodnight on the forehead. I'm always itching to escape from my house because I can't stand watching this little girl get everything that I never had.

I've never admitted any of this to anyone, not even myself, I don't think, until now. I have been psycho and socio analyzing myself regarding this situation for a long long time. I'm starting to seriously consider seeing a therapist, because this shit just eats away at me daily.

If things with my parents and I were different I think I would have a desire to go back to Cedar Rapids.

It's all about to come out

I just wrote an unnecessarily long and whiney paragraph bitching about everything that I'm sick of but I decided to erase it because I figure that no one would want to read that sort of melodramatic shit. I didn't even want to reread it.

What I hate the MOST out of all my whiney, bitchy, and completely senseless girl problems is the fact that everyone seems to have someone to turn to, really, whenever they're in need. I miss having someone appreciate me for who I am. Not appreciate sex with me. Not appreciate me as in a oh-yeah-I'll-invite-her-to-this-group-thing-but-only-because-she's-always-invited-even-though-she-just-kind-of-sits-there kind of way. But really appreciate me. I miss phone calls and late night visits and feeling someone's arms around me. When someone who really cares about you just wraps their arms around you, real tight, oh god that's the greatest thing. It seems to melt away any negativity you've been feeling that day, and I haven't experienced that in far too long. The fact of the matter is, I fucked up both my relationships. Both of them. As much as I'd like to pin it on the other person and say that they were just being total fucking dick heads, I know deep down that I was the one who drove them away. And I don't miss those relationships, I really don't. I've learned from them and won't make the same mistakes again...it's just that the end of both of those relationships stemmed the realization of how much of a worthless human being I seem to be.

Self-loathing is beginning to bombard my vocabulary.

I've been in far too many shitty situations this summer as far as boys go. So much that I'm starting to think that there's something wrong with me.

Am I better than this?

Reality

Nothing irritates me more than when I start to talk about something going on in my life and the person I'm confiding in completely disregards what I'm saying and starts talking about themselves slash something else. This is why I keep things to myself, this is exactly why. Because I swear this happens to me with everyone. Everyone.

I rarely bring up my problems anyway, but even when I do I instantly regret it because I know no one really cares anyway.

My views and opinions have changed so much since last year, it's shocking. Sometimes I feel as though I'm becoming more negative as I get older, when really I know that I'm just being realistic.

I want to cry but I won't let myself because I feel stupid doing so, knowing that it won't do me any good.
I keep all of my feelings, thoughts, emotions bottled up and eventually it's all going to explode in my (or some other poor victim's) face but I don't know what to do because no one could possibly understand what is going through my head. And even if they could, I don't have the words to explain any of it.

I used to wonder how I turned out so normal, going through the horror that I did with the way my father treated my mom and my parents' divorce and such. I used to be thankful that I didn't turn out to be some fucked up crack addict or something. Well, no crack for me, but I do seem to be fairly fucked up.

This is my downfall. I blame my childhood for who I am. I blame my past for my lack of affection with everyone, EVERYONE, especially my mom. I blame my past for my unwillingness to open up to anyone. This is what has caused me to feel so alone, so closed off from everyone else, absorbed in my own thoughts.

I thought I was going somewhere with this but I guess not. My mouth tastes like beer and I'm tired and rambling.

I'm that girl

the one who doesn't know how to open up and avoids sharing her emotions
the one who only has physical affection to make her feel loved

shit, I'm that girl
how did I get this fucked up?