I'm too happy with him

and it's scary as fuck.
I haven't slept in my own dorm in 4 days because I'm at his house almost 24/7. The other night I had a headache and while we were falling asleep he rubbed my head to try and make it go away. He does little things, such simple things, that make me realize how much I've missed having someone there for me in that way.

Last night we drank beer and ate pizza at his apartment with all of his friends and it was the most fun I've had in a long, long time. Those people are the kind of people I miss surrounding myself with. I felt perfectly happy and content in that group, and it saddens me that in a few months it'll be gone. I need to start meeting new people. Making new friends. Making new friends that I can actually relate to and not have to be around feeling like I'm someone they hired as their babysitter.

After the beer was gone and the pizza was cold and everyone went home tired, we showered and crawled into bed around 3 in the morning. Then we lay together talking about everything until the sun came up.

It's so unbelievably unfair that I've met someone who seems so perfect for me, and soon it'll all be taken away.

So remember when I said that I was just waiting for something to go wrong?

In 6 weeks Seth is moving to France for a semester.
Lol @ my life.

Seth and I are dating

It doesn't feel official, it all happened so fast that my head is spinning. But I'm so SO happy. I guess I sort of went into college planning on being single, wanting to be single. But it just took meeting this one guy for me to change my mind. This genuinely amazing guy, the best guy I've ever been with.

I slept over at his place Friday night. We had sex for the first time and then afterwards we just cuddled in the dark together, talking. He asked me what I thought we were and I told him that it felt like way more than just randomly hooking up. He told me he wouldn't consider himself single anymore. So that was that. In the morning I woke up to a kiss on my shoulder from him and then we made breakfast together. Then we sat down in his living room, ate our eggs and drank our coffee and made fun of a poorly-acted sci-fi movie. It was the perfect morning.

I am giddy and I just keep waiting for something to go wrong. Falling for someone is a scary thing, especially when you've forgotten what it feels like. Also I really just need to say that the sex is amazing. Like the BEST I've ever had. Too much to share? Yes, but it's not like this is a very public blog and it needed to be said.

Goodnight :)

There's A First For Everything

Had my first one night stand last night.
I literally look like a victim of domestic violence because my neck is just destroyed by hickeys.
It wasn't great. I kind of regret it. And it scares me a little that I only kind of regret it.
But it's Scarf Week thanks to the vampire bites on my neck, and I've decided to take a break from drinking for a while. It was getting old anyway.

I've met someone who seems to be genuinely interested in me. He's smart and cute and has traveled a ton and speaks both French and Spanish. We talked about music and movies for hours, but I'm not letting myself get even a little excited because in the past, getting my hopes up has never lead to anything good. Also this guy seems a little too good to be true (especially for me) so I'm just going to go with the flow. Whatever happens, happens.

My dad called me at 10:30 the night of my birthday. I was drinking with friends and he happened to be completely hammered. How ironic. I'd never talked to my dad drunk before, but hearing him slur his words and cry to me about how much he misses me just angered me more than anything. I yelled at him to get his shit together and be the adult in our relationship and hung up the phone. He is such a pathetic excuse for a human being that it sickens me. I refuse to let him have any part in my life from now on. How could I forgive him for that? Waiting until late at night to call me from a bar, while blackout drunk? After the phone call I went back into the room with all my friends and took more shots. That sounds like a pretty backwards reaction to what I'd just experienced. But I wanted to forget about him and enjoy what was left of my birthday. But I swear I will never let myself become my father. And I'll end this post with a big "fuck you" and goodnight.

C'est la vie

Why did I kiss him? I keep asking myself this because now I feel trapped by someone who is completely unavoidable thanks to the fact that we live just a hall away from each other. What was I looking for in that abandoned lounge in the basement at 4 in the morning? Someone to talk to, surely. It was dark and he was handsome and I felt confused, rejected by someone I've been lusting over for a month or so. So why did I kiss him? To feel better about myself? To feel less lost and alone?

Why did I let him think that those cheesy and completely ridiculous lines were working on me? They weren't. I'm absolutely, totally and 100% unimpressed. Maybe he is right, in one sense, maybe I am different than other girls. Because I don't fall for dark, muscular men in the corner against a brick wall looking into my eyes telling me how beautiful I am. I'm laughing to myself right now just thinking about it.

You think you have me wrapped around your finger? You think I've fallen for you? You are barely a passing thought during my day, all I want is the quiet blonde boy with the glasses who intrigues the hell out of me for a reason I can't put my finger on. All I want is the one with the sideways smile and the goofy laugh. All I want is the one who seems unimpressed with me, the one who is uninterested.

Circle of life.

I never want to go home, I love it here.

My Complicated Relationship With My Parents

It's really frustrating, in a weird sort of way, hearing everyone in college talk about how homesick they are because they miss their parents. I've been here for over a week and I haven't felt homesick once. Not once.

My parents and I have an odd relationship. It was really rocky for a year or so, and it can still be not-so-great at times, but for the most part it's okay. I don't have trouble communicating with my mom. I can talk to her about pretty much everything, give or take a few personal things such as boys or drama. On the outside looking in, my mother and I seem to have a pretty healthy relationship.

In a heartbeat I label my stepfather as my actual father. He's been more of a dad to me than my biological father ever was. But growing up with someone who cares for you like a father isn't anywhere near the same as growing up with someone who gave you life. I think, for a long time, I had tricked myself into thinking that it made no difference, but it does.

My parents and I don't really show affection towards one another. We hug on rare occasions and I can't remember the last time my mom and I exchanged "I love you"s. Up until my little sister was born, I called my stepdad Jeff. We've never said I love you to each other, it's just not the way our relationship works. It's not that we don't love each other, because I know that we all do...it's just that for some reason we don't do well at showing each other affection.

When I was 11, my mom announced that she was pregnant with Ava. I think that's when these problems began. My little sister was given so much love by both of my parents, that I think I felt pushed off to the side. Especially with my mother. My mom used to spoil me so much, but when Ava was born that just ended. I was overwhelmed with jealousy and feelings of rejection that I started to curl into my own shell, distancing myself from my mother.

The hardest part about being born into a fucked up marriage, is that while I was being ignored by my dad, I had to watch my step dad give Ava all the love that I never got from a father. Jeff is the most amazing parent. He cuddles with Ava before bed, hugs her close when he reads her books, and kisses her goodnight on the forehead. I'm always itching to escape from my house because I can't stand watching this little girl get everything that I never had.

I've never admitted any of this to anyone, not even myself, I don't think, until now. I have been psycho and socio analyzing myself regarding this situation for a long long time. I'm starting to seriously consider seeing a therapist, because this shit just eats away at me daily.

If things with my parents and I were different I think I would have a desire to go back to Cedar Rapids.