Monday, December 5, 2011
I Don't Know
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. -Neil Gaiman
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday Night
I can't put my finger on it, but something about Cedar Falls just eases my anxiety. Lately I've been getting this weird tightness in my chest when I go home. I can't explain it. It's as if I know that Cedar Rapids was just something that I needed to get away from. I feel like a completely different person when I'm in Cedar Rapids than I do when I'm in Cedar Falls. As we turned onto the Hudson Road exit, I breathed a huge sigh of relief, and it felt as though a huge weight was being lifted off my shoulders. Cedar Falls really isn't anything special, but for some reason I love it. I'm really happy here.
After unpacking everything that I'd brought home with me over break, I headed over to Seth's. I walked in to him cooking me a fancy dinner in nice clothes and a tie. It was the most adorable thing. He was just frantically running around with a towel over his shoulder, trying to make everything perfect. Then we sat at the table in his living room and ate his fantastic meal and drank some wine by candlelight. We chilled with his roommates for a while, who are both so awesome. And they treat me like an old friend, which really adds to the enjoyment of going over there and drinking a few beers with them.
After dinner we watched Bottle Rocket in his room. But the anticipation was so built up from not having seen one another for a while, that it was hard to focus on anything but each other.
I ended up staying over, and despite the fact that we both had to wake up early the next morning for class, we stayed up talking until at least 4. For some reason I felt closer to him that night than I ever had before. Everything about the night was perfect. While we were laying in bed talking in the dark, we both opened up to each other on another level. It was wonderful to share that with him. He told me about the time he first met me and what was going through his head. We opened up about past relationships we'd gone through and survived. He told me he had missed me over break and I told him I would miss him when he leaves. He's promised to write me letters.
I left his house in the morning with bittersweet feelings. On one hand I was so happy that our relationship had been taken to the next level, but on the other hand the only thing I could think about was how I've been handed something so wonderful, only to be forced to let it go. Some people probably think I'm getting too fixated on this situation, but it's hard, it's really hard. Especially since we're just starting to get to know each other. And I'm really starting to like him. A lot. A lot, a lot. It's that wonderful phase of a relationship where there's no fighting and no annoyances, everything is perfect, and you're uncovering this person and discovering that there's so much more to them than you ever thought there was. You're pulling back their layers and searching for the heart of their thoughts and their feelings, and you slowly start to realize that they're letting you. They're letting you open them up and they're letting you get through this guard they've built up so carefully for themselves.
After he leaves, I don't really know how I'm going to react. I don't know how long it will take for me to get over him, or forget about him, or move on to someone else. But I'm really really glad I've gotten to know him and spend so much time with him.
After unpacking everything that I'd brought home with me over break, I headed over to Seth's. I walked in to him cooking me a fancy dinner in nice clothes and a tie. It was the most adorable thing. He was just frantically running around with a towel over his shoulder, trying to make everything perfect. Then we sat at the table in his living room and ate his fantastic meal and drank some wine by candlelight. We chilled with his roommates for a while, who are both so awesome. And they treat me like an old friend, which really adds to the enjoyment of going over there and drinking a few beers with them.
After dinner we watched Bottle Rocket in his room. But the anticipation was so built up from not having seen one another for a while, that it was hard to focus on anything but each other.
I ended up staying over, and despite the fact that we both had to wake up early the next morning for class, we stayed up talking until at least 4. For some reason I felt closer to him that night than I ever had before. Everything about the night was perfect. While we were laying in bed talking in the dark, we both opened up to each other on another level. It was wonderful to share that with him. He told me about the time he first met me and what was going through his head. We opened up about past relationships we'd gone through and survived. He told me he had missed me over break and I told him I would miss him when he leaves. He's promised to write me letters.
I left his house in the morning with bittersweet feelings. On one hand I was so happy that our relationship had been taken to the next level, but on the other hand the only thing I could think about was how I've been handed something so wonderful, only to be forced to let it go. Some people probably think I'm getting too fixated on this situation, but it's hard, it's really hard. Especially since we're just starting to get to know each other. And I'm really starting to like him. A lot. A lot, a lot. It's that wonderful phase of a relationship where there's no fighting and no annoyances, everything is perfect, and you're uncovering this person and discovering that there's so much more to them than you ever thought there was. You're pulling back their layers and searching for the heart of their thoughts and their feelings, and you slowly start to realize that they're letting you. They're letting you open them up and they're letting you get through this guard they've built up so carefully for themselves.
After he leaves, I don't really know how I'm going to react. I don't know how long it will take for me to get over him, or forget about him, or move on to someone else. But I'm really really glad I've gotten to know him and spend so much time with him.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
4:00 am
"I don't know what's going to happen down the road, but I know I wouldn't be able to get through this semester without you."
Kiss.
"I'll be honest, I'm scared."
"Of me leaving?"
"Yes."
"It's going to be hard. It's going to hurt."
"I haven't genuinely liked someone as much as I like you...in so long."
Roll over.
Arm around me.
"That's why I was so nervous about starting things up before I left..."
Pause.
"...but I would've rather known what it was like to be with you than to never have been with you at all."
Kiss.
"I'll be honest, I'm scared."
"Of me leaving?"
"Yes."
"It's going to be hard. It's going to hurt."
"I haven't genuinely liked someone as much as I like you...in so long."
Roll over.
Arm around me.
"That's why I was so nervous about starting things up before I left..."
Pause.
"...but I would've rather known what it was like to be with you than to never have been with you at all."
Saturday, October 22, 2011
I'm too happy with him
and it's scary as fuck.
I haven't slept in my own dorm in 4 days because I'm at his house almost 24/7. The other night I had a headache and while we were falling asleep he rubbed my head to try and make it go away. He does little things, such simple things, that make me realize how much I've missed having someone there for me in that way.
Last night we drank beer and ate pizza at his apartment with all of his friends and it was the most fun I've had in a long, long time. Those people are the kind of people I miss surrounding myself with. I felt perfectly happy and content in that group, and it saddens me that in a few months it'll be gone. I need to start meeting new people. Making new friends. Making new friends that I can actually relate to and not have to be around feeling like I'm someone they hired as their babysitter.
After the beer was gone and the pizza was cold and everyone went home tired, we showered and crawled into bed around 3 in the morning. Then we lay together talking about everything until the sun came up.
It's so unbelievably unfair that I've met someone who seems so perfect for me, and soon it'll all be taken away.
I haven't slept in my own dorm in 4 days because I'm at his house almost 24/7. The other night I had a headache and while we were falling asleep he rubbed my head to try and make it go away. He does little things, such simple things, that make me realize how much I've missed having someone there for me in that way.
Last night we drank beer and ate pizza at his apartment with all of his friends and it was the most fun I've had in a long, long time. Those people are the kind of people I miss surrounding myself with. I felt perfectly happy and content in that group, and it saddens me that in a few months it'll be gone. I need to start meeting new people. Making new friends. Making new friends that I can actually relate to and not have to be around feeling like I'm someone they hired as their babysitter.
After the beer was gone and the pizza was cold and everyone went home tired, we showered and crawled into bed around 3 in the morning. Then we lay together talking about everything until the sun came up.
It's so unbelievably unfair that I've met someone who seems so perfect for me, and soon it'll all be taken away.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
So remember when I said that I was just waiting for something to go wrong?
In 6 weeks Seth is moving to France for a semester.
Lol @ my life.
Lol @ my life.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Seth and I are dating
It doesn't feel official, it all happened so fast that my head is spinning. But I'm so SO happy. I guess I sort of went into college planning on being single, wanting to be single. But it just took meeting this one guy for me to change my mind. This genuinely amazing guy, the best guy I've ever been with.
I slept over at his place Friday night. We had sex for the first time and then afterwards we just cuddled in the dark together, talking. He asked me what I thought we were and I told him that it felt like way more than just randomly hooking up. He told me he wouldn't consider himself single anymore. So that was that. In the morning I woke up to a kiss on my shoulder from him and then we made breakfast together. Then we sat down in his living room, ate our eggs and drank our coffee and made fun of a poorly-acted sci-fi movie. It was the perfect morning.
I am giddy and I just keep waiting for something to go wrong. Falling for someone is a scary thing, especially when you've forgotten what it feels like. Also I really just need to say that the sex is amazing. Like the BEST I've ever had. Too much to share? Yes, but it's not like this is a very public blog and it needed to be said.
Goodnight :)
I slept over at his place Friday night. We had sex for the first time and then afterwards we just cuddled in the dark together, talking. He asked me what I thought we were and I told him that it felt like way more than just randomly hooking up. He told me he wouldn't consider himself single anymore. So that was that. In the morning I woke up to a kiss on my shoulder from him and then we made breakfast together. Then we sat down in his living room, ate our eggs and drank our coffee and made fun of a poorly-acted sci-fi movie. It was the perfect morning.
I am giddy and I just keep waiting for something to go wrong. Falling for someone is a scary thing, especially when you've forgotten what it feels like. Also I really just need to say that the sex is amazing. Like the BEST I've ever had. Too much to share? Yes, but it's not like this is a very public blog and it needed to be said.
Goodnight :)
Sunday, October 2, 2011
There's A First For Everything
Had my first one night stand last night.
I literally look like a victim of domestic violence because my neck is just destroyed by hickeys.
It wasn't great. I kind of regret it. And it scares me a little that I only kind of regret it.
But it's Scarf Week thanks to the vampire bites on my neck, and I've decided to take a break from drinking for a while. It was getting old anyway.
I've met someone who seems to be genuinely interested in me. He's smart and cute and has traveled a ton and speaks both French and Spanish. We talked about music and movies for hours, but I'm not letting myself get even a little excited because in the past, getting my hopes up has never lead to anything good. Also this guy seems a little too good to be true (especially for me) so I'm just going to go with the flow. Whatever happens, happens.
My dad called me at 10:30 the night of my birthday. I was drinking with friends and he happened to be completely hammered. How ironic. I'd never talked to my dad drunk before, but hearing him slur his words and cry to me about how much he misses me just angered me more than anything. I yelled at him to get his shit together and be the adult in our relationship and hung up the phone. He is such a pathetic excuse for a human being that it sickens me. I refuse to let him have any part in my life from now on. How could I forgive him for that? Waiting until late at night to call me from a bar, while blackout drunk? After the phone call I went back into the room with all my friends and took more shots. That sounds like a pretty backwards reaction to what I'd just experienced. But I wanted to forget about him and enjoy what was left of my birthday. But I swear I will never let myself become my father. And I'll end this post with a big "fuck you" and goodnight.
I literally look like a victim of domestic violence because my neck is just destroyed by hickeys.
It wasn't great. I kind of regret it. And it scares me a little that I only kind of regret it.
But it's Scarf Week thanks to the vampire bites on my neck, and I've decided to take a break from drinking for a while. It was getting old anyway.
I've met someone who seems to be genuinely interested in me. He's smart and cute and has traveled a ton and speaks both French and Spanish. We talked about music and movies for hours, but I'm not letting myself get even a little excited because in the past, getting my hopes up has never lead to anything good. Also this guy seems a little too good to be true (especially for me) so I'm just going to go with the flow. Whatever happens, happens.
My dad called me at 10:30 the night of my birthday. I was drinking with friends and he happened to be completely hammered. How ironic. I'd never talked to my dad drunk before, but hearing him slur his words and cry to me about how much he misses me just angered me more than anything. I yelled at him to get his shit together and be the adult in our relationship and hung up the phone. He is such a pathetic excuse for a human being that it sickens me. I refuse to let him have any part in my life from now on. How could I forgive him for that? Waiting until late at night to call me from a bar, while blackout drunk? After the phone call I went back into the room with all my friends and took more shots. That sounds like a pretty backwards reaction to what I'd just experienced. But I wanted to forget about him and enjoy what was left of my birthday. But I swear I will never let myself become my father. And I'll end this post with a big "fuck you" and goodnight.
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