I'm really not looking forward to summer for a number of reasons. I'm not all that enthusiastic to be living at home again, for a whole three months. I love my family, but we get along best when we're not all living in the same house. Sometimes I just need a break from them. One month at home for winter break was pretty much all I could handle. I can't imagine how three months is going to turn out.

Michael will be in Louisiana for all of summer doing his internship. Which really worries me. He lives in Winterset, which I'm fairly certain is only a couple hours away from Cedar Rapids. Dealing with commuting back and forth only every so often would have been hard enough. But now I need to attempt to grasp the fact that I'll suddenly go from seeing him every day to not seeing him at all for three months straight. It's going to be hard. Really really hard. Right now, he's directly down the hall from me. In the same building. On the same floor and everything. It takes less than thirty seconds to walk from my room to his. I'm not questioning whether or not to go through with the three months of long distance, because I know it'll absolutely be worth it. There is no doubt in my mind that I want to make what Michael and I have work for a very very long time. Mostly I worry about the potential ways in which I'm likely to fuck this up. I'm not good with long distance. The one long distance relationship I was in, for a short amount of time, went horribly horribly wrong. Being apart for one month would make me go crazy, second guess and question everything.

I've changed a lot since then, though. I realize the mistakes I've made. I feel much more mature. And to be honest, I am madly and ever-so-deeply in love with Michael. I have never felt this for anyone ever before. It's almost as if he's my other half. It's ironic, really, seeing as just a few months ago I'd been typing on this very blog in a fit of frustration, upset and concerned that I would never find someone who I could completely be myself around, never find someone that matched up with me perfectly. And then he just falls into my lap out of no where. The goofy blonde boy with the glasses from down the hall is suddenly sitting across from me at Panda Express, making me laugh and having me hoping for a second date. I love him, I do. When I tell him I love him, it feels as if it's the first time something absolutely positively true is coming out of my mouth. I've never been so certain of something.

Anyway. I will be busy this summer, so hopefully things will keep me distracted. I'll be working almost full time at the bakery. Taking two, maybe three, classes at Kirkwood. I've got Lolla (possibly Bonaroo instead) to look forward to. Hanging out with friends. And I've already thought of some painting/piano/reading projects I'd like to accomplish over the summer. Hopefully that will be enough to keep me sane and get me through three months.

As for what's happening now, I'm really happy. I'm getting much better grades than I was last semester. Fear is my constant motivation. I want to stay at this school. I'm working as hard as possible to ensure that that's possible. It finally feels like I'm forming a solid friend group. Ellen, Danielle, Stephanie, and I have been hanging out. And it feels right. We all get along really well. And I'm so excited to be rooming with Danielle next year.

Spring break is just a couple weeks away. I'm so looking forward to coming home to my dog and my bed and my mom's homemade cookies and my paintbrushes.

Relationships tend to turn me into a person that I really really don't like being.

Even as I type this I want to cringe at my own cliched corny thoughts
but
it really takes one person to make you realize why everyone else was so wrong for you.

After tonight I can honestly say
that this is the first time I've felt something real
in....fuck. Years.
Let myself feel something real.
I've kept up so much armor for so long
but for some reason,
out of all people,
you're the one finally breaking it down.
You're aren't what I'd expected to happen to me
but I'm so very glad you did.

Change

I've wanted to explain this about myself to someone, anyone, for a very very long time but I have no idea how to put it into words. And if I were to ever actually attempt to vocalize these thoughts to someone, it would take so long for me to piece together what I'm trying to say, that they would lose interest and stop give a shit about what I'm trying to tell them.

How do I even start this off? Okay, I'm going to start with my point first, and then sort of delve into it. I have not let a significant other know (or even see, for that matter) the real me for a very very long time.

Now let me explain. My first boyfriend was my first everything. I was new to any sort of contact, physical and emotional, with boys so I was unbelievably naive about everything in our relationship. Everything was so simple back then. I wasn't aware of painful heartbreak and couldn't even comprehend the thought of "falling out of love" with someone. So, naturally, I had zero guard up whatsoever. I was completely, totally, and 100% myself with him and I didn't think anything of it.

What I'm getting at here, is that my first boyfriend is the only person I've been with that's actually seen my whole, true self. No one else has seen that. Because, to be blunt about this, he fucked me up big time and I am sincerely fearful that I will never be able to be myself around any man ever again. And honestly, I don't know how women do it. I observe relationships around me, silently critiquing them in my head. "Stupid girl, why would you do that? He could dump you for that, you know. Fall out of love with you." When really, as I'm thinking to myself that these girls are 'doing it wrong', I know that I'm the one at fault here. In order to be in love, truly in love, you have to be able to be yourself and only yourself around your significant other. But I fear that I've become physically incapable of doing so.

It's sad to admit that no one has ever meant more to me than my first boyfriend. Because he was (and still is) a fucking cunt. We had nothing in common, and I was so young that I had no idea what I even wanted. I don't regret our relationship, because I learned from it, but I am embarrassed of it, and of the person that I was back then.

Now I've based my relationships/whatever mostly on sex. I am throwing myself at these men, showering them with physical affection in hopes that they will give me love in return. Such a cliched concept, and I haven't been doing it consciously, but I am now full aware that I've been guilty of it. They don't return the love though, they don't because that's not how things work. You can't suck a dick and hope that they'll love you for that without you opening up to them. Without you bringing down your guard and revealing yourself. I keep asking myself why am I so disposable to these men? They've all seemed to like me. They've seemed interested in me. The sex is great. All true, but it isn't enough for them. Great sex and being just a little more than friendly towards each other does not equal falling in love.

Now, let's trace all of this back to my biological father, shall we? On my birthday I received a somewhat startling and disturbing phone call from my dad. He only calls me on my birthday and Christmas. The phone conversation is always short. Lots of small talk and "just wanted to wish you a happy birthday/Merry Christmas" and it's over in a minute or two. This last time, he was wasted. Slurring words, forgetting what he was saying in the middle of the conversation. Even though I'm a big girl and I've talked to plenty of drunk adults in my life, this scarred me a bit. I felt as if I was thrown back into my childhood when he used to come home drunk and argue with my mother not so quietly while I was in my bed with the covers pulled up to my chin. I'm such a pushover, but I attempted to hint towards the fact that he should not call me drunk again, and that it's his own fault that he doesn't know his own daughter. I did not receive a phone call from him on Christmas. No card in the mail. Nothing. Although I strongly feel that my father is the scum of the earth and am full aware that I'm so much better without him, I couldn't help but feel hurt and unwanted. My own father doesn't want me. That got me to thinking. It's such a silly thought but I can't help but think, if he doesn't want me, why would any one else? I know, I know, ridiculous. But I can't help it.

I'm also very concerned that I'm using sex as a tool to find love because I've never really received any affection from any male relative. My father wasn't around for hugs or kisses (obviously) and my step father and I have more of a brother-sister bond than a father-daughter bond. Don't get me wrong, he's a great dad. We've just never been the hugging type. From a psychological perspective I am convinced that my biological father not being around is a very big factor as to why all of my relationships with men have been fucking screwed up.

Why didn't I cry when Seth left me? Why did I only tear up and then walk up the stairs and into my room and onto the futon and worry about the rest of my day? I still miss him a lot. He's still stringing me on but a big part of me is afraid that he only wants to keep me around because he's lonely and wants the touch of a woman.

Someone else is taking a genuine interest in me for the first time since my very first boyfriend. We've had one date and haven't so much as kissed yet and he wants to talk to me all the time, know everything about me. It feels good. It feels different, it feels like my first boyfriend, except this time I'm going into this as a not-so-naive young girl. I'm scared shitless because I've convinced myself that the second I show back some affection for him, he's going to get bored and move on to bigger and better things. Also, still not totally over Seth even though he's become the worst thing for me. And I know it. Yet I still won't let myself move on. Okay, now I'm just rambling.

I need to change this, I need to change the way I am. I am desperate for this change but I have no idea how to go about actually changing.

A New Year

It doesn't take much
I could go without talking to you for days
and all it would take is one little text
"I miss you"
"Need to see you soon"
"Can't wait to kiss you again"
and I'm right back where you want me.

I'm having trouble deciding if my New Year's Resolution should be to get over you or to wait for you.

Blonde And Goofy With glasses

There's someone new that's taken an interest in me.
But it's too fast
I haven't had enough time
to forget you.
He's trying really hard
and he's so so into me
he wants to know everything about me
he wants to constantly be talking to me
but it feels so forced on my part.
I even feel a little guilty.
Because I still miss you so much.
And I know it's not good for me
to let you string me on like this
(because you're stringing me on and you know it)
I wish I could just
*snap*
and be over you
forget you
never have run into you on College Street that morning
but I can't.

So instead...
come back?

I don't know how to explain to this adorable blonde boy
with the goofy glasses
that I think he's so very interesting
that I'm having trouble
letting go of someone else.