I've Experienced My First Healthy Breakup

Seth and I got coffee yesterday afternoon, in between my intense studying and mini panic attacks.
And it was nice. Refreshing.
He was skinnier than I remembered, he looked good.
We sat down and talked for two hours like nothing had changed.
He instantly apologized for everything, and said he had never intended to go to France leaving things with us the way he did. He told me he regretted keeping up so many walls when he was with me, refusing to let me in, and he said he didn't think I deserved that.
He also said that maybe it was good I had those five months away from him. He said he was glad that I was able to find someone that made me happy and to figure out what I wanted. He even told me that my boyfriend seemed like a really nice guy.
I was so shocked at how forward he was being about the whole thing that I was unsure of what to say first.
As I looked at him from across the table, I could tell that he genuinely meant every word. I saw how much he had changed and how much he had matured. And I smiled because I was glad for him.
I felt more at ease talking to him than ever before, because there were no more barriers between us.

As we reminisced over our relationship, I realized what I completely different person I was back then. Lazy, sloppy, too quiet, making poor health decisions, and unsure of pretty much everything. He and I got together at such a strange time in my life, when I was transitioning into reality, and discovering my ideal self. Seth even commented on how much I've changed, and it felt good that he saw it too. We touched on all of our old topics like religion and politics and general philosophizing and a warm feeling of pride surged over me, because I had finally formed my own strong opinions on everything and could give my input, rather than just let Seth talk at me.

Once we got up to leave, we hugged goodbye and he gave me a friendly smile and told me to take care. It was one chapter of my life that actually felt good to turn the page on, rather than wanting to throw the book across the room.

Self Loathing

My actions serve me with empty compliments on a silver platter

I grab at them, hopeful for the density and meaning they will fill me with

But the words are deceivingly flaky and useless 

They fill me with air and air alone

The more I consume, the more I desire

But I don't care about much anymore

So I eat them up nonetheless

And shrug off the bitter aftertaste 

and the total comprehension and complete understanding that comes with it

and walk around wide-eyed and innocent

as if I don't know exactly what I'm doing.

Release.

I went to Chicago this weekend hoping to get away, but you can't really get away from yourself. It was fun though. I've almost completely convinced myself that I'm going to move to the city for at least a few years once I graduate. I fear that if I don't I'll regret it and wonder why I never gave it a shot.

I've let you down but it's for the best for a while.
There's no way this will get better if I can't have space to breathe. I'm feeling suffocated, gasping for my own air. I've been locked up for the first two months of summer and now that I'm free I need to really be free, free from everything and everyone.

I'm starting to lose my grip on who I've always thought I was. I don't recognize my own actions anymore. I can't quite tell if that's good or bad. I think of my decisions this summer and the things I've lost because of these decisions, and still manage to feel content with my life. A lot of people who I used to consider my friends have slipped away, but it doesn't seem to bother me. Not that I don't care about these people, but because I would rather spend time alone than spend time with people who have become strangers I can no longer relate to.

I've learned that I don't have to have someone to talk to about every aspect of my daily life. Today's society has been raised thinking that it's okay to spew every single thought that passes through their brain. I wish people would realize that the words coming out of their mouths are worthless, that they shouldn't bother when no one really cares. I'm completely content with keeping my daily activities to myself. I vocalize things friends if I feel they're important or interesting, but that's all. Minimalistic conversations. The bare necessities, and that's the way it should be. But I suppose if everyone were that way, the world would be far too boring. I wouldn't have ditzy teenage girls' pointless stories to make fun of. Anyway, I digress.

I've completely let go of religion and the concept of "god" this summer. It's strange to label myself atheist, but I feel as though my entire religious education has been a lie. It feels like I've finally opened my eyes to the truth, and it's refreshing. It feels good to be realistic rather than naive, educated rather than talked at.

I've begun taking my film camera with me everywhere. That and my old, ripped up Kurt Vonnegut paperbacks. It's wonderful to wander around outside snapping pictures and stopping occasionally for water and a chapter. Clears my mind, which is everything to me these days.

we are all fragments of ghosts
ones that have touched us
run their frail fingers over our skin
brushed their lips against ours
sent thoughtful mumbled words through our ears.

so when a new ghost finds us
and grips us by our bones
how do we scrape off the souls
of the old?
they linger with us for a while
as a reminder
that although we're looking into a new pair
of eager eyes
full of sentiment
and ready for warmth
what we're experiencing
isn't new at all.

Summer is better
I'm breathing easier
but I think it's because
I've let go of you
and now that I've realized this mistake
I'm not sure how to feel the same again
It's shallow
It's all shallow to me
Is this something time will cure?

I'm sorry, I'm trying to be strong for the both of us but I can't always do that. Sometimes I need you too.  Sometimes I want reassurance and sometimes I'm just not satisfied with my own thoughts. I can feel my throat closing up because I'm slowly realizing that there's still so much more time between us and that my bones are slowly breaking under the weight of all of this stress. I need my friends more than ever right now but I can't spare any time to do anything but close myself off in order to diligently keep up with my classes. I need someone to recognize that I'm not okay and I need someone to show up at my doorstep and shake the sadness out of me with movie marathons and long talks under covers in the dark. Yet I refuse to reach out for help. I think it makes me strong but in reality it weakens me more than anything else. But I'm being stubborn. I know I'm being stubborn but I can't stop myself. On the inside I'm screaming through my ears and pounding on my ribcage but on the outside I am numb and my face is hollow. I need to be back at school. Not just because you're there. I love you. I do. But I miss being surrounded by others just like me and I miss being a ten minute walk away from the people I can relate to the most. I miss the smell of my building and the warmth of the laundry room. I even miss spending hours in the library with the creaky wooden door. I miss walking back to my room late at night listening to Sufjan and studying the lonely, waving trees. I need to get out of here. I'm so very sad and with reluctance I'm coming to terms with the fact that this sadness will reside deep within me for the remainder of summer.

A | L | O | N | E

being a   l   o   n   e
doesn't necessarily mean physically lacking other bodies
it does not have to mean missing ears that will listen
nor does it mean missing mouths that will give advice
most often it means
having all of those things
but lacking
understanding
of what it is
you're trying to communicate with them

so I will use my words
and fully recognize
that they will most often go unnoticed
and then proceed
to study the ground
nod my head
while I pretend to be interested
in what you're saying
in what you've said
directly after you've brushed off my attempts
to feel less
a   l   o   n   e