"I may never be happy, but tonight I am content." The words of my favorite author echoed in my head on a constant loop as I crawled into bed at 6:00 am, just as the sun was rising. Staying up until morning with a rum and coke, cold cheese pizza, and friends brought too much attention to the reality I'd been trying to avoid for weeks.  When I am in despair, I always turn to worn pages of Sylvia Plath's writing for comfort. The dull aching in my chest halts and I feel less alone. I feel like I can relate to her more than anyone, and that is a sad thought in itself.

This morning when I woke up my soul felt hollow. It felt half within me and half somewhere else, distorted and stretched to both places like silly putty. Things are not as black-and-white or this-and-that as people seem to believe. There is a lot of distance between both sides of the spectrum, and the effort it takes to reach one end is a rollercoaster of emotional distress. As cliched as I feel thinking things like this, I can't help but believe that I'm on a journey now. My focus is turned completely on my inner self and general well being, something that I don't think has ever happened for me. There are times (listening to Sufjan, walking against the brisk January wind alone, the last ten seconds of consciousness before drifting off to sleep) when I feel a tightness in my throat and tears brimming around my eyes, but I believe that's part of the healing process. My existence often times feels pointless, dreary, and unimportant, and that's something that I'd like to fix.

What would happen if we acted solely on feelings? Let the moment be the moment and nothing more? Give no regard to anything but that impulse? Irrational, maybe. Fulfilling, yes.

Ghost

I always feel a bit lost.
It is never the sort of 'lost' feeling that breaks through my soul with screaming fury, but more like a dull and constant throbbing that never seems to disappear.
I am torn between leaving forever and thus finally taking the next step to my own true happiness, and staying behind and tied down for one more summer.
I shouldn't feel torn at all
The answer should seem clear
I just have a nagging feeling that I cannot leave until I find peace in this place.
Like a ghost:
Ghosts tend to linger in their original place of habitat until they feel they have satisfied every necessary aspect of their life.
Well if this is true, then my soul is a ghost lingering on
Moaning and floating in one place
Unable to rise into the never-ending sky
Until it faces its fate.
But my soul is ridden with even more troubles
Because its fate is simply unknown.
What do I need to do to be able to let go?
Why do I feel a pull keeping me tied down to this toxic environment?
It's grinding me to dust
It's suffocating me
Yet I can't help but feel that staying could finally turn things around.
But the realistic and cynical part of me knows that things can't and won't change.
When I'm here, I fear I will always feel unimportant, unnoticed, and simply second best.

Bullshit

I am sick of people's bullshit. I am completely and totally exhausted from pouring my heart out to people then having to go along with the charade they're playing. The one where they act like they even sort of care about the fact that my mouth is moving and words are coming out. I am then socially obligated to respond and act ever-so grateful for their generic comments and fake concern. Bullshit. One hundred percent mastered bullshit. Social media is toxic and sickens me further because self-important people rant on about their opinions as if they know exactly what's what and as if they will better the world if they share it. But the one particular spoonful of bullshit I can't swallow is the look people give me when I talk to them about my love life. Since I was sixteen years old I've been in and out of relationships thanks to my own emotional damage and confusion. And ever since then I've been continuously watering down my stories and problems just to avoid the uncomfortable silences of friends who are too busy judging and criticizing me in their heads to respond like a genuine human being and friend. I think that I, more than anyone, am aware of how messy, back and forth, and fucked up my life has been lately but that is my own concern. I haven't even begun to explain to my any one person the whole story behind what I've been going through for the past month or so and I probably never will, because what I have told them has caused glances that make me want to gauge out my own eyeballs so I don't have to endure their stares any longer. If you have something to say about the fact that you think I'm ruining my life, say it so that I can angrily correct you. If not, be a friend and show support even if I'm fucking every guy in the tristate area. But either way I'm certainly not going to continue trying to justify my own actions and make excuses for myself so that you're more at ease when I talk about my life. If you haven't been in my situation, then you don't get an opinion on how I'm doing it wrong.

Clarity

Lately I have been
Quiet
Introspective
I’ve taken a step away from everything for a while in the hopes of clearing my head
Things had gotten too messy
Two weeks ago I had no idea what I wanted, but I knew I could no longer go on living the way I was.
Sometimes I get so caught up in the idea of something
The excitement of something
That I lose clarity completely.
I was lured in and completely captivated for all the wrong reasons.
There he was
Handsome
Young
Interesting
Adventurous
And he wanted me?
Somewhere inside my 15 year old self was in awe and a state of ultimate and paralyzing flattery.
So
I ventured away
I immersed myself into a cool and deep pool of enchantment.
Finally
After heaving myself out of the water
After the water had cleared from my eyes
I realized that the enchantment wasn't quite what I thought it would be.
I felt foolish
And I was left standing on my own
Dripping wet with disappointment.
I desperately longed for everything I had so quickly and willingly given up:
Warmth
Comfort
Love.
I spent time alone for a while until I had reached my moment of clarity:
What's really important is to find someone who loves you
On both your good days
And your bad
And stick by them
Because they'll always stick by you.
I always make an honest effort to learn from my mistakes
And now I know that the one who inspires me
Who held my hand when my face was a mess
Who motivates me
Who moves me
Should never be taken for granted.
I am my own person
I finally feel deep down that that's true
But I like being my own with you.

Thoughts

Last night the build up of everything I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks enveloped me and dragged me into its darkness. Things that I used to enjoy seem to do nothing for me anymore. I've slipped into this combination of dissatisfaction and a feeling of helplessness. I'm dreadfully bored with my life and I can't seem to put a finger on why. Just recently it's occurred to me that without change, my life feels trivial and empty. I've always thought of myself as someone who needs consistency and stability in life, but apparently that's not the case. I'm going to get myself some help, some real help. It's a big step for me but I feel like it's time to stop avoiding the inevitable. I've thought about seeing a therapist or counselor for a few years now but was too fearful of ever admitting it out loud. Even now I'm really struggling with picking up the phone and making an appointment for myself. Last night all I could do was stare at the number on my screen and try to pretend like I didn't have an overwhelming need to cry right on the spot. It's a scary thing, admitting you actually need help. I've always taken pride in handling things internally and holding my own. I don't see myself as a very needy person, and I secretly despise the thought of being dependent on someone else for a pick-me-up or something of the sort. But depression runs deep in my family and I can feel myself spiraling into something bigger than anything I can handle on my own.

Utilitarianism

In my philosophy lecture we’ve been discussing the views of utilitarianism. A utilitarian essentially believes that every action you perform should completely maximize the happiness of the individual whom the action most affects. Of course there are a lot of controversies, issues, and other factors that play into this ideal, but recently we’ve been focusing on the utilitarian’s perspective of judgment of character. What makes a person good or bad? Some believe that the actions directly reflect the person’s character and depth of intentions. The utilitarian, however, stands firm with the whole "not of the act, but of the agent" ordeal. Actions could be morally wrong, but intentions tower over these actions like a looming unbreakable force. I’ve begun to wonder how a utilitarian (or any person in general) would perceive me if they knew the length and carelessness of my actions. Within these past few months I've undoubtedly failed to be the best version of myself I could be. Daughter, friend, girlfriend, human being. I've made decisions that benefit one while simultaneously bringing others down, but all the while meaning well. Is the phrase "actions speak louder than words" complete bullshit? Is there any chance that I still make the cut for the "good person" category despite my despicable actions?