I am ankle deep in loneliness.
My steps are heavy
But I am the only one who can really tell
I can feel the weight on my shoulders, looming over me, as it always does.
I go about my day, pretending not to notice.
Things are okay, sometimes.
Good days are not yet tainted
By the imminence.

I am knee deep in loneliness.
The weight has become a constant jabbing
Just to make sure
I haven't forgotten about it
(I haven't).
Laughs, floating around the thick midnight darkness,
Will fade out
And dancing will quickly become nothing more than me and a bottle in the corner
As far away from the world as I can get
Until my leash,
Binding and overwhelming,
Gives me a sharp tug back to reality.

I am waist deep in loneliness.
The weight, growing heavier by the minute,
Is no longer invisible.
It washes over me like a wave
And makes itself known
Hovering like a sinisterly soft grey fog.
My eyes have lost their light
And when I look in the mirror
All I can see are the dark circles
Hollowing me out.

I am neck deep in loneliness.
There is a ringing in my ears
That blares when others' mouths move
Emptying out their own fears
While mine squirm inside me
And nest deep in the lobes of my brain
I have no more fight within myself
So I succumb to the darkness
And let it
Swallow
Me
Whole.

Days

Breakfast,
served with nothing but silence and
lukewarm orange juice,
always felt
hopeful
untouched.
The afternoon would fade in
blurry and dull
3:00 meant walking alone
enamored by the cracks in the pavement
while the harsh January wind bit
relentlessly
at  my face
so much so that I was sure
that when I checked the mirror
above my dingy white sink
I would see gaping holes
where flesh should be

"I may never be happy, but tonight I am content." The words of my favorite author echoed in my head on a constant loop as I crawled into bed at 6:00 am, just as the sun was rising. Staying up until morning with a rum and coke, cold cheese pizza, and friends brought too much attention to the reality I'd been trying to avoid for weeks.  When I am in despair, I always turn to worn pages of Sylvia Plath's writing for comfort. The dull aching in my chest halts and I feel less alone. I feel like I can relate to her more than anyone, and that is a sad thought in itself.

This morning when I woke up my soul felt hollow. It felt half within me and half somewhere else, distorted and stretched to both places like silly putty. Things are not as black-and-white or this-and-that as people seem to believe. There is a lot of distance between both sides of the spectrum, and the effort it takes to reach one end is a rollercoaster of emotional distress. As cliched as I feel thinking things like this, I can't help but believe that I'm on a journey now. My focus is turned completely on my inner self and general well being, something that I don't think has ever happened for me. There are times (listening to Sufjan, walking against the brisk January wind alone, the last ten seconds of consciousness before drifting off to sleep) when I feel a tightness in my throat and tears brimming around my eyes, but I believe that's part of the healing process. My existence often times feels pointless, dreary, and unimportant, and that's something that I'd like to fix.

What would happen if we acted solely on feelings? Let the moment be the moment and nothing more? Give no regard to anything but that impulse? Irrational, maybe. Fulfilling, yes.

Ghost

I always feel a bit lost.
It is never the sort of 'lost' feeling that breaks through my soul with screaming fury, but more like a dull and constant throbbing that never seems to disappear.
I am torn between leaving forever and thus finally taking the next step to my own true happiness, and staying behind and tied down for one more summer.
I shouldn't feel torn at all
The answer should seem clear
I just have a nagging feeling that I cannot leave until I find peace in this place.
Like a ghost:
Ghosts tend to linger in their original place of habitat until they feel they have satisfied every necessary aspect of their life.
Well if this is true, then my soul is a ghost lingering on
Moaning and floating in one place
Unable to rise into the never-ending sky
Until it faces its fate.
But my soul is ridden with even more troubles
Because its fate is simply unknown.
What do I need to do to be able to let go?
Why do I feel a pull keeping me tied down to this toxic environment?
It's grinding me to dust
It's suffocating me
Yet I can't help but feel that staying could finally turn things around.
But the realistic and cynical part of me knows that things can't and won't change.
When I'm here, I fear I will always feel unimportant, unnoticed, and simply second best.

Bullshit

I am sick of people's bullshit. I am completely and totally exhausted from pouring my heart out to people then having to go along with the charade they're playing. The one where they act like they even sort of care about the fact that my mouth is moving and words are coming out. I am then socially obligated to respond and act ever-so grateful for their generic comments and fake concern. Bullshit. One hundred percent mastered bullshit. Social media is toxic and sickens me further because self-important people rant on about their opinions as if they know exactly what's what and as if they will better the world if they share it. But the one particular spoonful of bullshit I can't swallow is the look people give me when I talk to them about my love life. Since I was sixteen years old I've been in and out of relationships thanks to my own emotional damage and confusion. And ever since then I've been continuously watering down my stories and problems just to avoid the uncomfortable silences of friends who are too busy judging and criticizing me in their heads to respond like a genuine human being and friend. I think that I, more than anyone, am aware of how messy, back and forth, and fucked up my life has been lately but that is my own concern. I haven't even begun to explain to my any one person the whole story behind what I've been going through for the past month or so and I probably never will, because what I have told them has caused glances that make me want to gauge out my own eyeballs so I don't have to endure their stares any longer. If you have something to say about the fact that you think I'm ruining my life, say it so that I can angrily correct you. If not, be a friend and show support even if I'm fucking every guy in the tristate area. But either way I'm certainly not going to continue trying to justify my own actions and make excuses for myself so that you're more at ease when I talk about my life. If you haven't been in my situation, then you don't get an opinion on how I'm doing it wrong.

Clarity

Lately I have been
Quiet
Introspective
I’ve taken a step away from everything for a while in the hopes of clearing my head
Things had gotten too messy
Two weeks ago I had no idea what I wanted, but I knew I could no longer go on living the way I was.
Sometimes I get so caught up in the idea of something
The excitement of something
That I lose clarity completely.
I was lured in and completely captivated for all the wrong reasons.
There he was
Handsome
Young
Interesting
Adventurous
And he wanted me?
Somewhere inside my 15 year old self was in awe and a state of ultimate and paralyzing flattery.
So
I ventured away
I immersed myself into a cool and deep pool of enchantment.
Finally
After heaving myself out of the water
After the water had cleared from my eyes
I realized that the enchantment wasn't quite what I thought it would be.
I felt foolish
And I was left standing on my own
Dripping wet with disappointment.
I desperately longed for everything I had so quickly and willingly given up:
Warmth
Comfort
Love.
I spent time alone for a while until I had reached my moment of clarity:
What's really important is to find someone who loves you
On both your good days
And your bad
And stick by them
Because they'll always stick by you.
I always make an honest effort to learn from my mistakes
And now I know that the one who inspires me
Who held my hand when my face was a mess
Who motivates me
Who moves me
Should never be taken for granted.
I am my own person
I finally feel deep down that that's true
But I like being my own with you.