Sunday, June 26, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Well
We had sex. We shouldn't have, but we did. I felt shitty about it first but not so much anymore. And he's sexy so way to go, me.
But we're done. We ended things, rather he made the final decision, because he didn't want us to become "too attached". I think the reason I'm the most disappointed is because I don't open myself up freely with a lot of people, but I found myself instantly doing so with him. He was one of the few people that I've been 100% comfortable around, and that's something that's kind of rare for me.
We don't talk at all anymore, despite the fact that he made me promise him we'd still be good friends. He didn't come to my grad party (I shouldn't have taken it personally, because there were so many that day, but i did). He called me at 3 am last night (drunk, I can only assume) but I was asleep.
But I'm living my life. Taking things day by day. It's summer, so I'm happy.
But we're done. We ended things, rather he made the final decision, because he didn't want us to become "too attached". I think the reason I'm the most disappointed is because I don't open myself up freely with a lot of people, but I found myself instantly doing so with him. He was one of the few people that I've been 100% comfortable around, and that's something that's kind of rare for me.
We don't talk at all anymore, despite the fact that he made me promise him we'd still be good friends. He didn't come to my grad party (I shouldn't have taken it personally, because there were so many that day, but i did). He called me at 3 am last night (drunk, I can only assume) but I was asleep.
But I'm living my life. Taking things day by day. It's summer, so I'm happy.
Friday, May 13, 2011
The Fact That I Still Have No Idea What's Going On Makes This Increasingly More Complicated As The Days Go By
But what I do know is that I'm happy. And honestly, I'm really not worried about where this is going. Everyone keeps asking me what's going on between us, and I just shrug because that's really all I can give them. This year I've discovered just how content I am on my own. So if this ends up becoming something we both decide to commit to, great. If not, whatever. Either way, I know that I can be happy as the independent person I've become.
It's been about a month since we've started talking and hanging out. We really get along well. We don't have a whole lot in common, but our personalities just click. And I think that's what's genuinely important. I once had a bit of a thing with someone who's every interest was exactly the same as mine, but I was never comfortable around him because his personality just did not mesh well with mine.
I look forward to the eye contact in the hallway. When we cross paths and lock hands for just a second. When I'm laying on your chest and we're talking and you brush my hair out of my eyes. It feels good. It all feels good. It feels...familiar. Like I'm regaining what I used to have two years ago. That completely comfortable, happy bubble.
Prom is tomorrow.
It's been about a month since we've started talking and hanging out. We really get along well. We don't have a whole lot in common, but our personalities just click. And I think that's what's genuinely important. I once had a bit of a thing with someone who's every interest was exactly the same as mine, but I was never comfortable around him because his personality just did not mesh well with mine.
I look forward to the eye contact in the hallway. When we cross paths and lock hands for just a second. When I'm laying on your chest and we're talking and you brush my hair out of my eyes. It feels good. It all feels good. It feels...familiar. Like I'm regaining what I used to have two years ago. That completely comfortable, happy bubble.
Prom is tomorrow.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
"I don't really care if you hook up with other people, we can't have a thing."
Texting me 24/7.
Talking on the phone for hours at a time.
Hanging out multiple times a week.
Public displays of affection at parties on the weekends.
If that's not a "thing", then what the fuck is?
Talking on the phone for hours at a time.
Hanging out multiple times a week.
Public displays of affection at parties on the weekends.
If that's not a "thing", then what the fuck is?
Monday, April 25, 2011
Two Days Difference
Saturday night was cold and damp, but when the smoke filled my lungs I started to forget the cold and focus on the luke-warm beer in my hand. We laid close together on the couch, under a flannel blanket. Your hand was around my waist and my head was laying on your chest and we sat and talked about our favorite colors and hobbies and silly things we do when no one's watching. And we kissed and kissed and clasped our hands together and you told me I had pretty eyes as you tucked a lock of hair behind my ear.
But now I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because of something I was informed of late last night. I would rather know, but now my bliss has vanished completely and been replaced with worry. She is nothing like me, short and blonde and bubbly, while I stand tall at 5'11" with brown wild hair and a quiet and sometimes awkward personality. What I hope is that you're over this ex of yours and that two Saturdays ago was just a drunken mistake, but I'm also smart enough to be cautious. Niether of us want anything long term. But he wants to get to know me more because he thinks I'm awesome. He called me Cait, which makes me smile, because only one of my closest friends calls me Cait.
It feels exactly like it did when things were first starting up with my first boyfriend. Absorbing everything about each other. Texts during school telling me that I look pretty in what I'm wearing that day. This has bad news written all over it.
I'm scared out of my mind of what this could do to damage the strength that I've worked so hard to build up. Excited to have this feeling back that I haven't experienced in about a year. Unsure of how to even handle this situation. Hoping I'm not as naive as I used to be.
But now I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because of something I was informed of late last night. I would rather know, but now my bliss has vanished completely and been replaced with worry. She is nothing like me, short and blonde and bubbly, while I stand tall at 5'11" with brown wild hair and a quiet and sometimes awkward personality. What I hope is that you're over this ex of yours and that two Saturdays ago was just a drunken mistake, but I'm also smart enough to be cautious. Niether of us want anything long term. But he wants to get to know me more because he thinks I'm awesome. He called me Cait, which makes me smile, because only one of my closest friends calls me Cait.
It feels exactly like it did when things were first starting up with my first boyfriend. Absorbing everything about each other. Texts during school telling me that I look pretty in what I'm wearing that day. This has bad news written all over it.
I'm scared out of my mind of what this could do to damage the strength that I've worked so hard to build up. Excited to have this feeling back that I haven't experienced in about a year. Unsure of how to even handle this situation. Hoping I'm not as naive as I used to be.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Apparently Saturday Night Was Just What I Needed
After feeling really down for so long, I got off work at noon, cranked out a bunch of shit for my 10 page research paper I have due this upcoming week, took a shower, and started to get ready for a birthday party at The Man Cave later that night.
The party was great. We walked in and felt slightly uncomfortable at first, standing around trying to akwardly mingle with all these people that we didn't really know, but at the end of the night we were all taking shots and dougie-ing together. And the more time I spent there with all of those random people just thrown together in the same room, the more glad I was that Taylor wasn't invited. I would have been constantly wondering who he was talking to and what he was doing...and for what? Nothing. He doesn't want anything to come from any of our hookups so why should I act like there's potential there? So I stopped giving a shit, and I had one of the best nights of my life. Especially the flirting with Jake. That was the best. And at the end of the night he kissed me. He was sitting on the stone steps leading out of the backyard, and motioned for me to come sit by him. I stumbled over, pretty well drunk by this point, and sat down next to him as he put his arm around me. And then he asked to kiss me (he fucking asked, how classy and gentlemanly is that?), and we kissed for a long time. I pulled away and told him I had to go, but he grabbed my hands and pulled me back in and whispered "don't go yet" and we kissed some more until I finally broke away and ran to my car where my friends where waiting. Still melting from the situation.
He asked Ben for my number the next night and was texting me. He told me I was a good kisser (fuck yes) and last night Bailey told me that he suggested to Ben that we go on a double date this weekend (double fuck yes). So this weekend the four of us are going to smoke together. It's only Tuesday. This week has the potential to be the slowest week of my life.
In other news, Taylor and I are fighting. Again. Who knows if he's even going to want to go to prom with me. He's mad that I lied and told him nothing was happening Saturday night instead of telling him that he wasn't invited. And he's mad that I made out with Jake. He won't talk to me or even look at me. I understand where he's coming from, but I honestly think he's blowing this way out of proportion. If he doesn't want to be involved with me at all, then why is he allowed to be mad when I kiss other people? Ridiculous.
26 days of high school left.
The party was great. We walked in and felt slightly uncomfortable at first, standing around trying to akwardly mingle with all these people that we didn't really know, but at the end of the night we were all taking shots and dougie-ing together. And the more time I spent there with all of those random people just thrown together in the same room, the more glad I was that Taylor wasn't invited. I would have been constantly wondering who he was talking to and what he was doing...and for what? Nothing. He doesn't want anything to come from any of our hookups so why should I act like there's potential there? So I stopped giving a shit, and I had one of the best nights of my life. Especially the flirting with Jake. That was the best. And at the end of the night he kissed me. He was sitting on the stone steps leading out of the backyard, and motioned for me to come sit by him. I stumbled over, pretty well drunk by this point, and sat down next to him as he put his arm around me. And then he asked to kiss me (he fucking asked, how classy and gentlemanly is that?), and we kissed for a long time. I pulled away and told him I had to go, but he grabbed my hands and pulled me back in and whispered "don't go yet" and we kissed some more until I finally broke away and ran to my car where my friends where waiting. Still melting from the situation.
He asked Ben for my number the next night and was texting me. He told me I was a good kisser (fuck yes) and last night Bailey told me that he suggested to Ben that we go on a double date this weekend (double fuck yes). So this weekend the four of us are going to smoke together. It's only Tuesday. This week has the potential to be the slowest week of my life.
In other news, Taylor and I are fighting. Again. Who knows if he's even going to want to go to prom with me. He's mad that I lied and told him nothing was happening Saturday night instead of telling him that he wasn't invited. And he's mad that I made out with Jake. He won't talk to me or even look at me. I understand where he's coming from, but I honestly think he's blowing this way out of proportion. If he doesn't want to be involved with me at all, then why is he allowed to be mad when I kiss other people? Ridiculous.
26 days of high school left.
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