Expected Drunken Hookup With An Unexpected Person

So I need to get some venting out and seeing as this is the only reliable place I'm able to without 90% of my friends reading it, I'm coming back to this blog for right now.

Last night I went to a party at my friends house. I invited Taylor along because we're going to prom together and I wanted him to become closer to my friends so prom can be as fun as humanly possible. We all got drunk pretty fast, taking shot after shot. It started to go around that Taylor was telling everyone that he wanted to make out with me but didn't know if I wanted to. And let me tell you, my drunk self wanted to.

To make a long story short, we made out. And then danced and talked with my friends. And then made out some more. Repeat. By the end of the night, we were laying on the couch together talking and laughing and kissing drunkenly. And it was wonderful. Because here's the thing: over the past four years that we've been friends, Taylor has become one of my absolute best friends. I can literally talk to him about everything. French class is less about learning and more about talking to Taylor about life and getting/giving advice. For the past few years I've always kind of thought that some day Taylor and I would get together. And I'll admit, right when I invited him to the party I think I saw it coming. It was just so insane that it was actually happening. We kept talking about what the hell was going to happen when we woke up next to each other, completely sober. He tried to tell me that it wasn't going to be weird, but I knew better.

While everyone else was falling asleep to a movie, we continued to hook up on the couch together. It got progressively more and more intense. His hands and lips were all over me, covering every inch of my body, and I definitely wasn't complaining. I've hooked up with about two guys since my last boyfriend, and neither of the hook ups really meant anything to me. When we kissed, it was just alright. But last night while everything was happening with Taylor...it was pretty indescribable. It felt so amazing, so...right. That probably sounds insane. But I don't know how else to describe it.

Both of my boyfriends had been my best friends at one point, but I'm convinced that they only became my best friend so that we could eventually date. That seems pretty obvious to me. But with Taylor, he became my best friend gradually, without either of us expecting anything from each other. I think that's what made us hooking up so amazing.

Here's the thing: I have absolutely no idea what I want from this. He doesn't know either, I know he doesn't. This morning is was obvious that he felt weird around me. We both woke up at the same time, turned and looked at each other, and laughed. We both are very aware of how odd this was. He walked me to my car in the morning and asked what I was thinking. I told him I didn't know, and he asked if I wanted to think things over. I asked if that was what he wanted to do, and he said yes. So then he said goodbye and I guess right now I'm supposed to be thinking? About what? I don't know what I want from this. My main concern is destroying the amazing friendship that we've built over the years. And the fact that I'm so used to being his friend that I feel like I'd have no idea how to act in any other situation.

I remember tidbits of things he said last night: he kept telling me that I deserve everything, I deserve something amazing. He said something along the lines of me always "being there" but him never really seizing the opportunity of me being around. I was pretty drunk when he was saying this, so I wish I could remember our exact conversation. Because we talked about what we wanted to be to each other for a solid hour or two last night. And I heard him talking to all my friends about me. Liz, Hannah, Bailey, Kaitlin, Emily, all of them. Tomorrow Laura's having a party because her parents out of town. I think I'll be needing to get some more information then.

So, to sum up: drunkenly made out with my best friend last night. Not quite sure about what I'm supposed to be thinking over. Wondering when we're going to talk about this again.

Despite the conflict this situation has brought upon my life, I definitely don't regret it.