I'm sorry, I'm trying to be strong for the both of us but I can't always do that. Sometimes I need you too.  Sometimes I want reassurance and sometimes I'm just not satisfied with my own thoughts. I can feel my throat closing up because I'm slowly realizing that there's still so much more time between us and that my bones are slowly breaking under the weight of all of this stress. I need my friends more than ever right now but I can't spare any time to do anything but close myself off in order to diligently keep up with my classes. I need someone to recognize that I'm not okay and I need someone to show up at my doorstep and shake the sadness out of me with movie marathons and long talks under covers in the dark. Yet I refuse to reach out for help. I think it makes me strong but in reality it weakens me more than anything else. But I'm being stubborn. I know I'm being stubborn but I can't stop myself. On the inside I'm screaming through my ears and pounding on my ribcage but on the outside I am numb and my face is hollow. I need to be back at school. Not just because you're there. I love you. I do. But I miss being surrounded by others just like me and I miss being a ten minute walk away from the people I can relate to the most. I miss the smell of my building and the warmth of the laundry room. I even miss spending hours in the library with the creaky wooden door. I miss walking back to my room late at night listening to Sufjan and studying the lonely, waving trees. I need to get out of here. I'm so very sad and with reluctance I'm coming to terms with the fact that this sadness will reside deep within me for the remainder of summer.

A | L | O | N | E

being a   l   o   n   e
doesn't necessarily mean physically lacking other bodies
it does not have to mean missing ears that will listen
nor does it mean missing mouths that will give advice
most often it means
having all of those things
but lacking
understanding
of what it is
you're trying to communicate with them

so I will use my words
and fully recognize
that they will most often go unnoticed
and then proceed
to study the ground
nod my head
while I pretend to be interested
in what you're saying
in what you've said
directly after you've brushed off my attempts
to feel less
a   l   o   n   e

Last night, while on a late night excursion to Pancheros for drunk food, some friends and I wound up staking out another dear friend's house to make sure she got home okay (she was rather emotionally unstable at the time and drunkenly driving around at 3 am). We wound up giving her donuts and hugs and listening to her cry and talk in her driveway for a while. Which was good. I'm very glad she's okay and I'm glad we made sure of that. But the whole ordeal caused all sorts of thoughts to enter my brain...do I have anyone that would do that for me? If I was unhappy and driving around aimlessly late at night, do I have the kind of friends that would cause my phone to ring and ring and ring and wait patiently in my driveway for me to arrive home safely? My initial thought was "nope, no way, no one would want to do that for me". But I woke up this morning feeling silly for thinking that. Because I'd like to think that if I reached out in sadness, I have some pretty cool people who would be willing to go out of their way to make me feel better. The thing is, there is a huge difference between the upset friend from last night and me. I would have never called anyone in tears in the first place. I just tend to deal with things on my own. It seems sad and stubborn but it's true. I haven't always been this way and I am unsure of what has changed in me to spur on this perverse independence, but even in my roughest of lonely nights I will let thoughts fester in my own mind and attempt to work everything out myself. I think that some people tend to be less strong, more flimsy. Need others as their crutch sometimes. And are willing and able and trusting enough to allow it. I think I could occasionally use that too, I mean who couldn't? But I won't allow it. I'll shut myself off and remain sad and make things worse by dealing with it alone. And when someone asks me what's been up with me lately, I'll brush off the question with a simple "it sucks but I'm fine" kind of answer, all the while internally wishing for them to coax it out of me so that I'll feel like I have someone to talk to. Then I'll proceed to steer the focus of the conversation away from myself. I have consistently felt that burdening others with my petty issues is just that: a burden. I am worried that no matter how many people I surround myself with, I will be truly forever alone. The most frightening part is, I'm doing all of this to myself.

I miss the feel of your summer dress