I want to cry but I won't let myself because I feel stupid doing so, knowing that it won't do me any good.
I keep all of my feelings, thoughts, emotions bottled up and eventually it's all going to explode in my (or some other poor victim's) face but I don't know what to do because no one could possibly understand what is going through my head. And even if they could, I don't have the words to explain any of it.

I used to wonder how I turned out so normal, going through the horror that I did with the way my father treated my mom and my parents' divorce and such. I used to be thankful that I didn't turn out to be some fucked up crack addict or something. Well, no crack for me, but I do seem to be fairly fucked up.

This is my downfall. I blame my childhood for who I am. I blame my past for my lack of affection with everyone, EVERYONE, especially my mom. I blame my past for my unwillingness to open up to anyone. This is what has caused me to feel so alone, so closed off from everyone else, absorbed in my own thoughts.

I thought I was going somewhere with this but I guess not. My mouth tastes like beer and I'm tired and rambling.