It's really frustrating, in a weird sort of way, hearing everyone in college talk about how homesick they are because they miss their parents. I've been here for over a week and I haven't felt homesick once. Not once.
My parents and I have an odd relationship. It was really rocky for a year or so, and it can still be not-so-great at times, but for the most part it's okay. I don't have trouble communicating with my mom. I can talk to her about pretty much everything, give or take a few personal things such as boys or drama. On the outside looking in, my mother and I seem to have a pretty healthy relationship.
In a heartbeat I label my stepfather as my actual father. He's been more of a dad to me than my biological father ever was. But growing up with someone who cares for you like a father isn't anywhere near the same as growing up with someone who gave you life. I think, for a long time, I had tricked myself into thinking that it made no difference, but it does.
My parents and I don't really show affection towards one another. We hug on rare occasions and I can't remember the last time my mom and I exchanged "I love you"s. Up until my little sister was born, I called my stepdad Jeff. We've never said I love you to each other, it's just not the way our relationship works. It's not that we don't love each other, because I know that we all do...it's just that for some reason we don't do well at showing each other affection.
When I was 11, my mom announced that she was pregnant with Ava. I think that's when these problems began. My little sister was given so much love by both of my parents, that I think I felt pushed off to the side. Especially with my mother. My mom used to spoil me so much, but when Ava was born that just ended. I was overwhelmed with jealousy and feelings of rejection that I started to curl into my own shell, distancing myself from my mother.
The hardest part about being born into a fucked up marriage, is that while I was being ignored by my dad, I had to watch my step dad give Ava all the love that I never got from a father. Jeff is the most amazing parent. He cuddles with Ava before bed, hugs her close when he reads her books, and kisses her goodnight on the forehead. I'm always itching to escape from my house because I can't stand watching this little girl get everything that I never had.
I've never admitted any of this to anyone, not even myself, I don't think, until now. I have been psycho and socio analyzing myself regarding this situation for a long long time. I'm starting to seriously consider seeing a therapist, because this shit just eats away at me daily.
If things with my parents and I were different I think I would have a desire to go back to Cedar Rapids.
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