Last night I had a bit of an episode. And by episode I mean I violently yelled at my annoying neighbors through the wall and then instantly burst into tears. I scared the shit out of my roommate, she had no idea what to do. Just piles upon piles of stress are being lain upon me and it's starting to be too much.
Basically the mental breakdown occurred when I realized that I wasn't as prepared as I'd hoped for my anatomy test today (which is in about an hour). It's my own fault. For the past month I'd be diligently going to the library directly after class and studying my anatomy content for three hours minimum. But for the last two lectures, I slacked. And this weekend was full of awesomely exciting activities, so by Sunday I was left staring at 8 pages of content that I hadn't even touched and hating myself. The thought of working so hard for so long for this test, a MONTH in advance, and then suddenly being fucked over all thanks to two days of slacking was too much to bear.
The main reason for the tears was an email I'd received a week or so ago from my advisor, saying that Allen College had recently turned away a shit ton of students.....most of who have a 3.5 GPA. And friends, I don't have that. It really freaked me out. i've been in panic mode ever since. I know I COULD do it, but somehow things always seem to get in the way and I always manage to fuck myself over in the end. I've been working SO hard this semester though. I feel a lot better after talking to Michael and a few other friends. It's useless getting upset about something that hasn't even happened yet, all I can do is continue to work as hard as possible and keep pushing myself.
Blah. I feel like my studies is overrunning my life. That's all I ever talk about anymore. Aside from school stuff, I think I'm finally settling down into my relationship with Michael the way I'm supposed to be. My paranoia is slowly sliding out of vision and being overlapped by a steady stream of happiness. It's nice. He was really there for me last night, and sat with me for over an hour while I went through my anatomy babble, just speaking my notes at him. I kind of forgot what it's like to have a person like that in your life. I'm more at ease in this relationship (now, finally) than I ever have been. I'm very excited for what our future might bring.
Ugh. Must continue studying. I'm always the happiest when I'm with the people I love. I wish love were enough to get you through life, but unfortunately money is kind of necessary too. Boo.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Post Spring Break
It is absolutely beautiful today. The window in my room is open and I'm wearing a tank top and shorts around my building. I don't think the library is open yet so I'm attempting to get some studying done at my desk, which is obviously going so very well seeing as I'm on the computer. It's so hard to focus when this weather makes me want to run around outside like a five year old.
Spring break was short but oh so sweet. I didn't get nearly as much studying done as I'd hoped. Which scares me. Especially after my visit to Allen College, the nursing school I'm planning (hoping) to attend. It's so competitive. Sometimes I worry that I'm not cut out for it. I need to push myself harder than I already am but I have so many distractions. Every time I think about my grades and my application for Allen, my chest tightens and I start to panic. Just need to keep pushing. My goal for today is to get everything I wanted to get done for the day done by 8 pm so that I can watch the season finale of The Walking Dead. That's all I want. Just need to take things one day at a time so as not to completely overwhelm myself.
I didn't see all of my friends that I'd hoped to see over break. It makes me sad knowing that I've drifted so far apart from people I'd used to consider some of my best friends. But I have a new life here in Cedar Falls now, and new friends here. And I can accept that. And I can be okay with that.
Michael met almost every member of my family. One thing I really love about him is how comfortable he seems when he's outside of his comfort zone. I envy that so much. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable around people I don't know and situations I'm unfamiliar with. He was awesome meeting my family, they all loved him. He stayed the night at my house Friday and we spent the night in my bedroom together, listening to City And Colour and talking until 3 am. We fell asleep together for a while and then he went to sleep in the bed my mom had made up for him. In the morning he kissed me awake and we had breakfast together before the St. Patrick's Day parade downtown. It was a wonderful day.
Now I've been back at school since last night. I got the teensiest bit sad leaving CR last night, but that feeling was instantly washed away once I arrived back in my room. I love it here. I don't know how many times I've said that but man, I really do.
Aside from the mounds of homework I have yet to finish, everything is pretty much perfect. I secretly wish summer would never come.
Spring break was short but oh so sweet. I didn't get nearly as much studying done as I'd hoped. Which scares me. Especially after my visit to Allen College, the nursing school I'm planning (hoping) to attend. It's so competitive. Sometimes I worry that I'm not cut out for it. I need to push myself harder than I already am but I have so many distractions. Every time I think about my grades and my application for Allen, my chest tightens and I start to panic. Just need to keep pushing. My goal for today is to get everything I wanted to get done for the day done by 8 pm so that I can watch the season finale of The Walking Dead. That's all I want. Just need to take things one day at a time so as not to completely overwhelm myself.
I didn't see all of my friends that I'd hoped to see over break. It makes me sad knowing that I've drifted so far apart from people I'd used to consider some of my best friends. But I have a new life here in Cedar Falls now, and new friends here. And I can accept that. And I can be okay with that.
Michael met almost every member of my family. One thing I really love about him is how comfortable he seems when he's outside of his comfort zone. I envy that so much. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable around people I don't know and situations I'm unfamiliar with. He was awesome meeting my family, they all loved him. He stayed the night at my house Friday and we spent the night in my bedroom together, listening to City And Colour and talking until 3 am. We fell asleep together for a while and then he went to sleep in the bed my mom had made up for him. In the morning he kissed me awake and we had breakfast together before the St. Patrick's Day parade downtown. It was a wonderful day.
Now I've been back at school since last night. I got the teensiest bit sad leaving CR last night, but that feeling was instantly washed away once I arrived back in my room. I love it here. I don't know how many times I've said that but man, I really do.
Aside from the mounds of homework I have yet to finish, everything is pretty much perfect. I secretly wish summer would never come.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Pre Spring Break
I'm going home tomorrow at 3 pm and I am beyond excited. Granted, I'm going to have to continue studying anatomy every day but whatever. That's nothing new. I honestly think that the top, number one reason I'm so excited to be home is to SEE MY DAMN DOG. God, I am so in love with that little shit, it's unbelievable. Laying in my QUEEN SIZED BED is going to be pure bliss. And getting out of bed to get something won't be a complete hassle and inconvenience (hashtag whiny bitchy white people problems) kay I'm going to stop complaining about stupid shit now.
I should be writing my paper because I have 2.5 pages down and I need 8 total, due tomorrow. But I'm taking it easy. Lounging on my futon, blaring some RATATAT to cover the squeals of my obnoxious neighbors. Life is pretty damn good right now, despite my previous overdramatic post. I'm good now. I've worked things out in my brain and reassured myself that everything is okay.
Tuesdays and Thursdays are the absolute greatest. My roommate has class at 9:30, and Michael is just getting out of class at that time, so he comes over and crawls into my bed with me to get me up for the day. As I start to get ready he usually scrolls through my Tumblr for a while. I come over at sit on his lap, and we look through together, I share my coffee with him and break off pieces of my poptart to share with him as well. It's pure bliss. We call it "our day".
I've talked with my parents and they're letting him visit and stay over at my house next Friday. They met him at dinner when they came up to visit me the other night, and they really like him. And I think my little sister is especially excited about him being in my life, which is pretty damn cute. I'm ecstatic for him to be visiting me in Cedar Rapids. He's only seen one half of my life, and I think it's important to see the other half. See where I live. Where I'll be living when he'll be away this summer. Still really scared for that but trying not to think about it until I absolutely have to.
Life is good right now. See you tomorrow, Cedar Rapids.
I should be writing my paper because I have 2.5 pages down and I need 8 total, due tomorrow. But I'm taking it easy. Lounging on my futon, blaring some RATATAT to cover the squeals of my obnoxious neighbors. Life is pretty damn good right now, despite my previous overdramatic post. I'm good now. I've worked things out in my brain and reassured myself that everything is okay.
Tuesdays and Thursdays are the absolute greatest. My roommate has class at 9:30, and Michael is just getting out of class at that time, so he comes over and crawls into my bed with me to get me up for the day. As I start to get ready he usually scrolls through my Tumblr for a while. I come over at sit on his lap, and we look through together, I share my coffee with him and break off pieces of my poptart to share with him as well. It's pure bliss. We call it "our day".
I've talked with my parents and they're letting him visit and stay over at my house next Friday. They met him at dinner when they came up to visit me the other night, and they really like him. And I think my little sister is especially excited about him being in my life, which is pretty damn cute. I'm ecstatic for him to be visiting me in Cedar Rapids. He's only seen one half of my life, and I think it's important to see the other half. See where I live. Where I'll be living when he'll be away this summer. Still really scared for that but trying not to think about it until I absolutely have to.
Life is good right now. See you tomorrow, Cedar Rapids.
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