Mental Breakdown

Last night I had a bit of an episode. And by episode I mean I violently yelled at my annoying neighbors through the wall and then instantly burst into tears. I scared the shit out of my roommate, she had no idea what to do. Just piles upon piles of stress are being lain upon me and it's starting to be too much.

Basically the mental breakdown occurred when I realized that I wasn't as prepared as I'd hoped for my anatomy test today (which is in about an hour). It's my own fault. For the past month I'd be diligently going to the library directly after class and studying my anatomy content for three hours minimum. But for the last two lectures, I slacked. And this weekend was full of awesomely exciting activities, so by Sunday I was left staring at 8 pages of content that I hadn't even touched and hating myself. The thought of working so hard for so long for this test, a MONTH in advance, and then suddenly being fucked over all thanks to two days of slacking was too much to bear.

The main reason for the tears was an email I'd received a week or so ago from my advisor, saying that Allen College had recently turned away a shit ton of students.....most of who have a 3.5 GPA. And friends, I don't have that. It really freaked me out. i've been in panic mode ever since. I know I COULD do it, but somehow things always seem to get in the way and I always manage to fuck myself over in the end. I've been working SO hard this semester though. I feel a lot better after talking to Michael and a few other friends. It's useless getting upset about something that hasn't even happened yet, all I can do is continue to work as hard as possible and keep pushing myself.

Blah. I feel like my studies is overrunning my life. That's all I ever talk about anymore. Aside from school stuff, I think I'm finally settling down into my relationship with Michael the way I'm supposed to be. My paranoia is slowly sliding out of vision and being overlapped by a steady stream of happiness. It's nice. He was really there for me last night, and sat with me for over an hour while I went through my anatomy babble, just speaking my notes at him. I kind of forgot what it's like to have a person like that in your life. I'm more at ease in this relationship (now, finally) than I ever have been. I'm very excited for what our future might bring.

Ugh. Must continue studying. I'm always the happiest when I'm with the people I love. I wish love were enough to get you through life, but unfortunately money is kind of necessary too. Boo.