Nothing Significant

Nothing new or exciting is really happening. I'm just using this awesome SelfControl app (seriously, check it out because it IS awesome) which is preventing me from going on any other of my go-to websites for another 45 minutes, so I just felt like bloggin'. Rather, despite the usefulness of this app, I'm finding alternative ways to avoid studying anatomy.

Finals are next week. Next week is not going to be nearly as stressful as this week. In fact, next week will be a breeze. Most of my tests are this week, so I've been busy busy. Today I had a sickeningly cute picnic by this quaint little pond and trail area on the corner of Hudson and Viking with Michael. It was splendid. I have hundreds more freckles and am feeling satisfied as ever with our relationship. Speaking of:

The other night I had a bit of a freak out. I was studying for my Human Growth and Development class, and while I was highlighting away in my textbook, I came across an interesting research theory on forms of attachment. The section I was reading was essentially saying that if a child is neglected by a parent/parents, they will avoid emotional attachment in their romantic relationships, and those who do form secure attachment with their partners end up being irrationally jealous and overdependent. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach, feeling like I was reading a paragraph about my own development. That statement was so frighteningly accurate that I felt trapped. I suddenly felt as though I was doomed, despite my fighting efforts, for empty and destructive relationships for the rest of my life.  Because look: I've, for once in any of my relationships, let Michael in and now I catch myself fighting foul and powerful jealousy and holding back so as not to be overdependent. All because of my motherfucking father. That stupid bastard has ruined me.

I took a day or two of sulking and journaling and listening to Keaton Henson (who I've had a huge boner for this entire week, my GOD I love him) to mull things over. Then I ultimately decided, instead of accepting this fate, to work hardhardhard at my relationship, because I don't want to fuck things up the way I have in the past. So, I confronted Michael about something he did that kind of upset me. And I calmly discussed with him that sometimes, I just need some reassurance that he loves me just as much as I love him. And I proceeded to explain to him why, and told him about what I'd read in my textbook. When I say calmly though, really I ended up blubbering and crying like a sad pathetic loser in front of him while I was trying to explain all of this. But. Still. I was really proud of myself. I feel like the fact that I, FOR ONCE, was able to confront my problems head on like an actual adult shows that I've really matured. And I hope this means good things for the future.

I'll be back in the good ol' CR in less than two weeks. On one hand: yay! Because this means driving my car with the windows down and seeing some good friends and having a room to myself and having a bed that's not a loft and spending all of my free time with my fucking dope ass dog. And sushi house and painting and relaxation (for the most part). But...on the other hand: fuck. Because I don't think taking three classes and simultaneously working 30+ hours a week is actually considered "summer". And of course, the main reason I'm dreading summer: not seeing you for three whole months. It hasn't even remotely begun to set in yet so I'm still not sure how painful goodbye is going to be.

Okay I've got a lot of shit to do tonight. I've barely had any sleep. So little that I can't believe that it's only 8:52 pm on a Tuesday. Shouldn't it be Thursday or something already? Blah. Wow this was a shit ton of pointless rambling. Sorry friends. Rather, sorry single person who still maybe actually reads this crap that I post.