Saturday night was cold and damp, but when the smoke filled my lungs I started to forget the cold and focus on the luke-warm beer in my hand. We laid close together on the couch, under a flannel blanket. Your hand was around my waist and my head was laying on your chest and we sat and talked about our favorite colors and hobbies and silly things we do when no one's watching. And we kissed and kissed and clasped our hands together and you told me I had pretty eyes as you tucked a lock of hair behind my ear.
But now I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because of something I was informed of late last night. I would rather know, but now my bliss has vanished completely and been replaced with worry. She is nothing like me, short and blonde and bubbly, while I stand tall at 5'11" with brown wild hair and a quiet and sometimes awkward personality. What I hope is that you're over this ex of yours and that two Saturdays ago was just a drunken mistake, but I'm also smart enough to be cautious. Niether of us want anything long term. But he wants to get to know me more because he thinks I'm awesome. He called me Cait, which makes me smile, because only one of my closest friends calls me Cait.
It feels exactly like it did when things were first starting up with my first boyfriend. Absorbing everything about each other. Texts during school telling me that I look pretty in what I'm wearing that day. This has bad news written all over it.
I'm scared out of my mind of what this could do to damage the strength that I've worked so hard to build up. Excited to have this feeling back that I haven't experienced in about a year. Unsure of how to even handle this situation. Hoping I'm not as naive as I used to be.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Apparently Saturday Night Was Just What I Needed
After feeling really down for so long, I got off work at noon, cranked out a bunch of shit for my 10 page research paper I have due this upcoming week, took a shower, and started to get ready for a birthday party at The Man Cave later that night.
The party was great. We walked in and felt slightly uncomfortable at first, standing around trying to akwardly mingle with all these people that we didn't really know, but at the end of the night we were all taking shots and dougie-ing together. And the more time I spent there with all of those random people just thrown together in the same room, the more glad I was that Taylor wasn't invited. I would have been constantly wondering who he was talking to and what he was doing...and for what? Nothing. He doesn't want anything to come from any of our hookups so why should I act like there's potential there? So I stopped giving a shit, and I had one of the best nights of my life. Especially the flirting with Jake. That was the best. And at the end of the night he kissed me. He was sitting on the stone steps leading out of the backyard, and motioned for me to come sit by him. I stumbled over, pretty well drunk by this point, and sat down next to him as he put his arm around me. And then he asked to kiss me (he fucking asked, how classy and gentlemanly is that?), and we kissed for a long time. I pulled away and told him I had to go, but he grabbed my hands and pulled me back in and whispered "don't go yet" and we kissed some more until I finally broke away and ran to my car where my friends where waiting. Still melting from the situation.
He asked Ben for my number the next night and was texting me. He told me I was a good kisser (fuck yes) and last night Bailey told me that he suggested to Ben that we go on a double date this weekend (double fuck yes). So this weekend the four of us are going to smoke together. It's only Tuesday. This week has the potential to be the slowest week of my life.
In other news, Taylor and I are fighting. Again. Who knows if he's even going to want to go to prom with me. He's mad that I lied and told him nothing was happening Saturday night instead of telling him that he wasn't invited. And he's mad that I made out with Jake. He won't talk to me or even look at me. I understand where he's coming from, but I honestly think he's blowing this way out of proportion. If he doesn't want to be involved with me at all, then why is he allowed to be mad when I kiss other people? Ridiculous.
26 days of high school left.
The party was great. We walked in and felt slightly uncomfortable at first, standing around trying to akwardly mingle with all these people that we didn't really know, but at the end of the night we were all taking shots and dougie-ing together. And the more time I spent there with all of those random people just thrown together in the same room, the more glad I was that Taylor wasn't invited. I would have been constantly wondering who he was talking to and what he was doing...and for what? Nothing. He doesn't want anything to come from any of our hookups so why should I act like there's potential there? So I stopped giving a shit, and I had one of the best nights of my life. Especially the flirting with Jake. That was the best. And at the end of the night he kissed me. He was sitting on the stone steps leading out of the backyard, and motioned for me to come sit by him. I stumbled over, pretty well drunk by this point, and sat down next to him as he put his arm around me. And then he asked to kiss me (he fucking asked, how classy and gentlemanly is that?), and we kissed for a long time. I pulled away and told him I had to go, but he grabbed my hands and pulled me back in and whispered "don't go yet" and we kissed some more until I finally broke away and ran to my car where my friends where waiting. Still melting from the situation.
He asked Ben for my number the next night and was texting me. He told me I was a good kisser (fuck yes) and last night Bailey told me that he suggested to Ben that we go on a double date this weekend (double fuck yes). So this weekend the four of us are going to smoke together. It's only Tuesday. This week has the potential to be the slowest week of my life.
In other news, Taylor and I are fighting. Again. Who knows if he's even going to want to go to prom with me. He's mad that I lied and told him nothing was happening Saturday night instead of telling him that he wasn't invited. And he's mad that I made out with Jake. He won't talk to me or even look at me. I understand where he's coming from, but I honestly think he's blowing this way out of proportion. If he doesn't want to be involved with me at all, then why is he allowed to be mad when I kiss other people? Ridiculous.
26 days of high school left.
Friday, April 15, 2011
My Serious Concern For Myself
Lately I hate everyone. I have no idea why or where the hell it came from, but I can't help it. Everything, everyone is irritating to me. Everyone is smiley and happy and I want to hole up in my room for days at a time with only my cat and my Friends DVDs. The problem with everyone suddenly irritating me is the fact that it's making me feel extra isolated and more alone than usual. I feel as though no one understands how I've been feeling lately because I can't clearly explain it myself. And when I've tried explaining my emotions to those who ask, I mostly get "I'm sorry"s and sad faces and then they move on with their lives. And it's not as though I blame these people who are trying to make me feel better, and I certainly don't expect them to do anything about my problem...I just wish I wasn't feeling this way. Generally when I'm feeling down I can just be around friends or push the issue out of my mind and instantly feel better. And if I could do that in this case, I absolutely would. And I've tried, I really have, it's just that nothing has been working.
I've convinced myself that it's a combination of the loneliness of not having someone there for me at all times and the confusion I've been having about Taylor (not even going to get into that). It's not that I don't enjoy being single, because oh man I do. I really do. It's just that sometimes it's a little depressing, seeing everyone around you have someone to turn to while I have my own head to go inside of and nothing/no one else.
Something else that I've been noticing lately has really been getting me down: for whatever reason, a lot of people like to come to me with their problems. Both my close friends and those that I'm associated with but really only talk to in classes. When my friends come to me with problems, of course I'm always more than happy to be a good listener and give them as adequate advice as I can. But when it comes to my problems, there doesn't really seem to be anyone out there who genuinely gives a shit. It's really painful when you attempt to open up to someone and hear them respond with "mmhmms" and "uh huhs" and realize that they're reading texts on their phone and not paying attention to you whatsoever. And people wonder why I'm such an introvert.
***for my friends who may or may not read this: I don't actually hate you. I'm just going through a tough time right now, please don't take this offensively!
I've convinced myself that it's a combination of the loneliness of not having someone there for me at all times and the confusion I've been having about Taylor (not even going to get into that). It's not that I don't enjoy being single, because oh man I do. I really do. It's just that sometimes it's a little depressing, seeing everyone around you have someone to turn to while I have my own head to go inside of and nothing/no one else.
Something else that I've been noticing lately has really been getting me down: for whatever reason, a lot of people like to come to me with their problems. Both my close friends and those that I'm associated with but really only talk to in classes. When my friends come to me with problems, of course I'm always more than happy to be a good listener and give them as adequate advice as I can. But when it comes to my problems, there doesn't really seem to be anyone out there who genuinely gives a shit. It's really painful when you attempt to open up to someone and hear them respond with "mmhmms" and "uh huhs" and realize that they're reading texts on their phone and not paying attention to you whatsoever. And people wonder why I'm such an introvert.
***for my friends who may or may not read this: I don't actually hate you. I'm just going through a tough time right now, please don't take this offensively!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
He Apologized.
And of course, seeing as I'm the world's biggest pussy, I forgave him. Instantly. I once heard about this study on a radio talk show that proved when guys looked or sounded just a little bit sorry, girls will instantly forgive them, even if their actions show that they really aren't that sorry. So, yeah. I did just kind of want to put it behind us anyway, because I don't think I could stand not being on good terms with Taylor, even for a day. Who knows why, I don't even understand myself half of the time.
But I still feel really shitty about the whole thing. I feel pretty used and unwanted, and mostly undesirable.
My sunburn on my chest hurts like a bitch. I'm going to wear dresses every day this week. I'm putting off doing this research paper. This really sexy guy asked me on a date the other night but I don't really know him so I feel like it's a weird situation. Bye.
But I still feel really shitty about the whole thing. I feel pretty used and unwanted, and mostly undesirable.
My sunburn on my chest hurts like a bitch. I'm going to wear dresses every day this week. I'm putting off doing this research paper. This really sexy guy asked me on a date the other night but I don't really know him so I feel like it's a weird situation. Bye.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Experienced My First Fight With A Friend
Went to Ben's party on Saturday night. Taylor was being a huge douche, and I was getting so pissed off. Long story short, Taylor was all over all of my friends, including one he had just been talking shit about, and then the second she walks through the door he tells her he wants to kiss her. And I already feel like I'm in constant competition with this one friend, and for the first time, ever, I feel like I have a one-up on her. Because he's sitting there telling me that I'm awesome for being so chill and blah blah bullshit blah. Then she walks through the door and he can't sit down next to her fast enough.
I storm out, pissed about the entire situation. And I'll admit that I was a little jealous that he was all over a bunch of other girls too, but I really didn't care all that much. Not until I heard that Taylor was being a dick to Jake (the basketball player) because he was jealous. He had saw that Jake and I were alone talking for about 20 minutes, and went on a rant telling everyone he was jealous. That's when I started to get more angry, when I heard about that. Because if you care so much then why the fuck are you all over my friends?
I left around 12:15, to take Bailey home and to be home on time for my curfew. By this point Taylor was plastered and I was saying goodbye to everyone and he could tell I was pissed. He was calling my name while I was walking to my car but I ignored him and kept walking. He chased me down and was persistently asking me why I was mad at him. I just kept telling him that we needed to talk about it when he wasn't drunk and that I couldn't explain it all or I would be late. The conversation ended with us screaming at the top of our lungs at each other and him screaming "FUCK YOU" to me and threatening the end of our friendship.
I went to my car crying.
I haven't heard from him since. No text or anything.
I should've just hooked up with Jake.
I storm out, pissed about the entire situation. And I'll admit that I was a little jealous that he was all over a bunch of other girls too, but I really didn't care all that much. Not until I heard that Taylor was being a dick to Jake (the basketball player) because he was jealous. He had saw that Jake and I were alone talking for about 20 minutes, and went on a rant telling everyone he was jealous. That's when I started to get more angry, when I heard about that. Because if you care so much then why the fuck are you all over my friends?
I left around 12:15, to take Bailey home and to be home on time for my curfew. By this point Taylor was plastered and I was saying goodbye to everyone and he could tell I was pissed. He was calling my name while I was walking to my car but I ignored him and kept walking. He chased me down and was persistently asking me why I was mad at him. I just kept telling him that we needed to talk about it when he wasn't drunk and that I couldn't explain it all or I would be late. The conversation ended with us screaming at the top of our lungs at each other and him screaming "FUCK YOU" to me and threatening the end of our friendship.
I went to my car crying.
I haven't heard from him since. No text or anything.
I should've just hooked up with Jake.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
How I've Been Feeling About Life Lately
My last post was slightly over dramatic, thank you PMS. But I do seem to be slightly hung up on Taylor. I'll come back to that in a moment.
Here's what I really need to talk about: the fact that this is the first time that I've actually felt really good about myself. I've never really thought of myself as someone that "all the guys" would be after, or whatever, and I never really have been. There's never really been a solid period of time when I've been single, but now that I have been for over three months, suddenly I've gotten all sorts of attention. Which took me completely by surprise. And I love it, I love all this attention. I mean, jesus christ, one of the school basketball players has said something to someone about me. He wanted me to come to a party he was at that one of my friends was throwing. And, believe me, this guy could pretty much get any girl. It just amazes me that he wants me, out of all people. Attention like this makes me never want to be tied down in a relationship again. But then, sometimes I'm reminded of how lonely single life can be. Which brings me to my next topic.
I can't seem to shake the feeling about Taylor that has snuck up on me so suddenly. We went to a party again on Friday night, he was insanely drunk and I just had a couple of beers in me. We didn't hook up as much as we did the first time. We really only kissed a couple times. For the last portion of the night, for about an hour, we were really just cuddling on the couch. His arms were around me, and my legs were swung over his while my face was buried in his neck, breathing him in. It was something so simple, but it was perfect. It just felt right. I'm so comfortable with him, he just makes me feel...at home. I just kept thinking, "how is this any different than us dating?" Everyone saw us together. We had both sobered up by then. But I know full well that when I walk into French class tomorrow we're both going to act like nothing ever happened. I really don't know what to do anymore. At this point I really just wish I didn't have any feelings for him. He sends me so many mixed signals that I'm in a constant state of confusion.
In other news: that night at the part we discussed having sex together on prom night and agreed to it. We shook on it and everything. So. That's happening.
Still unsure of where I'll be going to college. I can't even get into that right now because every time I think about it I just get so frustrated I want to scream.
Ready for the month of May to come. Interested to see how certain events of summer play out.
Here's what I really need to talk about: the fact that this is the first time that I've actually felt really good about myself. I've never really thought of myself as someone that "all the guys" would be after, or whatever, and I never really have been. There's never really been a solid period of time when I've been single, but now that I have been for over three months, suddenly I've gotten all sorts of attention. Which took me completely by surprise. And I love it, I love all this attention. I mean, jesus christ, one of the school basketball players has said something to someone about me. He wanted me to come to a party he was at that one of my friends was throwing. And, believe me, this guy could pretty much get any girl. It just amazes me that he wants me, out of all people. Attention like this makes me never want to be tied down in a relationship again. But then, sometimes I'm reminded of how lonely single life can be. Which brings me to my next topic.
I can't seem to shake the feeling about Taylor that has snuck up on me so suddenly. We went to a party again on Friday night, he was insanely drunk and I just had a couple of beers in me. We didn't hook up as much as we did the first time. We really only kissed a couple times. For the last portion of the night, for about an hour, we were really just cuddling on the couch. His arms were around me, and my legs were swung over his while my face was buried in his neck, breathing him in. It was something so simple, but it was perfect. It just felt right. I'm so comfortable with him, he just makes me feel...at home. I just kept thinking, "how is this any different than us dating?" Everyone saw us together. We had both sobered up by then. But I know full well that when I walk into French class tomorrow we're both going to act like nothing ever happened. I really don't know what to do anymore. At this point I really just wish I didn't have any feelings for him. He sends me so many mixed signals that I'm in a constant state of confusion.
In other news: that night at the part we discussed having sex together on prom night and agreed to it. We shook on it and everything. So. That's happening.
Still unsure of where I'll be going to college. I can't even get into that right now because every time I think about it I just get so frustrated I want to scream.
Ready for the month of May to come. Interested to see how certain events of summer play out.
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