Blonde And Goofy With glasses

There's someone new that's taken an interest in me.
But it's too fast
I haven't had enough time
to forget you.
He's trying really hard
and he's so so into me
he wants to know everything about me
he wants to constantly be talking to me
but it feels so forced on my part.
I even feel a little guilty.
Because I still miss you so much.
And I know it's not good for me
to let you string me on like this
(because you're stringing me on and you know it)
I wish I could just
*snap*
and be over you
forget you
never have run into you on College Street that morning
but I can't.

So instead...
come back?

I don't know how to explain to this adorable blonde boy
with the goofy glasses
that I think he's so very interesting
that I'm having trouble
letting go of someone else.

Leave Me Alone

Michael: Hey let me text you all hours of day, every day

Jonathan: I'm going to text you one time over break to let you know that you're cool and we need to hang out more

Seth: I'm going to text you when it's convenient for me and when I miss you...oh and btw when you want to text me I'll barely respond lol

Me: WELL FUCK THEN

A Few Things To Update

When I'm driving down Edgewood or getting dressed in the morning or listening to James Blake my mind drifts off and you're usually the first thing that comes to mind. I guess I miss you more than I thought I would. Saying goodbye was odd because it seemed more of a "see you later" than a "this is over". I'm looking forward to the letters you'll write me from France.

But god, I wish you would let me go. Out of the few break ups I've gone through, I've been the needy one afterwards. I've been the one who's broken down with drunk texts late at night or multiple "I miss you"s. This time I'm trying, trying so hard, to forget about you...but you won't let me. You've consistently texted me every night, as if to remind me that you're still around and that you're not going to let this go that easily. Funny how that works. And what did you mean by "who knows what the future will hold"? That's not fair. That's not fair of you to just say that and not expand on what you meant. You've always been like that, always have had your guard up with me. I wish you would put down your armor for just a little while so I would actually know the extent of what you've felt for me these past 3 months.

But my game plan, as of right now, is to focus on getting over you. I went on two dates on Thursday. It was weird, but refreshing to talk to new people. I don't know.

I'm home for a month. I've been reading a lot. I'm trying to get back into playing the piano. And I'd like to start using my film camera again. I'm trying to keep busy. Maybe I'll start writing again, like I did when I was younger. Who knows.

Consuming as much coffee as possible right now to will myself to stay up and study. I feel as though I haven't slept in days. I'm just trying to constantly remind myself that this will all be worth it in the long run, and next week I'll be able to do whatever the fuck I want and not have to study again for a whole month.

And also apparently tonight is the night that my brain finally decided to register that Seth is leaving in a couple days. Worst timing ever, I just really need to focus on my finals right now. Why is it that playing sad songs makes you feel better when you're sad? It does, it helps. It seems to bring my emotions right to the surface, but at the same time calms me. I've been listening to Bon Iver's cover of I Can't Make You Love Me for days on end. It just seems to fit.

But I'm really sad about this situation. I definitely didn't think it would be this hard. I hope I don't cry when I say goodbye to him.....
I'll probably cry, though.

I'm Going To Talk About Something Other Than My Love Life

I've been talking a lot about Seth lately so I'm going to change it up. Because I am interested in more than boys, you know.

As I've mentioned to a couple people, I haven't really made any solid friends since I've been at college. Of course I have Ellen here, which I'm so grateful for. But it's hard when it feels like everyone else is making all of these new and exciting people and I'm not. I know that a lot of it has to do with the floor of girls I live with. Because they're all retarded as fuck. And so annoying. I'm polite to them when I see them in the halls but while I'm in my room trying to study or sleep and they're yipping (literally yipping, much like little squeaky dogs) it's hard not to fantasize about punching each and every one of them square in the face. So the day I move out of this dorm is the day I will rejoice to the motherfucking almighty. Also, I do have some really awesome guy friends who I LOVE to hang out with. They're seriously the best and I'd consider a few of them some of my best friends. But sometimes I'd really just like to have some girl friends to relate to. For example, going out with my guy friends on the weekend is pretty bomb, but it gets weird being the only girl sometimes. And, hey, how can you blame me for wanting to have some "girl talk" from time to time?

But I've gotten over this whole not-making-any-girl-friends thing. I don't really give a shit anymore, because I don't have a whole lot of time to spend with friends. And the most important girls in my life, no matter the distance, will always be there to talk. And that eases my mind.

And I'm really loving my life in Cedar Falls. Which is kind of weird to think about, because even though A) I don't really have a whole lot of friends and B) the one person who I spend the majority of my time with is moving to France in five days, I'm still really happy here. And I think I'm just really happy to be...learning, as nerdy as that makes me sound. I never really tried or gave a shit in high school, and it feels so awesome to actually CARE. I love feeling so accomplished and feeling like I'm doing something worthwhile with my life. And as difficult as anatomy is sometimes, and as much as I complain and bitch about it, it's making me really really excited to go into nursing. I feel so fortunate have chosen a major that I'm certain I won't be switching out of. And I have to devote WAY more of my time to studying than any of my other friends, but it feels good. It feels really good.

Also, I think just being around new people all the time makes me generally happy. I like being in a lecture hall filled with people I don't know. I like the potential that that situation holds. College has made me a much more social being. There have been quite a few times this year where I've found some cool people that were complete strangers to me, contacted them in some way, and told them that they seemed pretty chill and that we should hang out sometime. That sounds like such a cheesy, cliched scenario, but whatever. I mean, it works so I don't give a fuck. A year ago I would've never had the balls to do that.

I really don't know what it is about Cedar Falls, but this place just makes me happy. I like being up here, doing my own thing. Being responsible. Being an adult. Of course, like everyone, I sometimes wish I didn't have to worry about shit and just lounge in my bed eating Doritos and watching my Friends DVDs, of course. But for the most part, I'd say life is good.

Maybe

Maybe this is how things are supposed to be.
Is it wrong that a part of me is going to feel relieved once he's gone?
Not because I won't miss him,
because I will definitely miss him
a lot.
But I've sacrificed many hours of sleep
many times I should've been studying
many times I could've been making friends
just to be with him.
Which is bad, I know
but I couldn't stay away.
Once he leaves I will feel no attachment.
I'll be able to focus on getting into Allen
and working out more, feeling better about myself in general
and spending time with new, enticing people.
Maybe I'll even get coffee with this cute boy with the glasses who's been asking me.

But man, am I going to miss him.
He'll be back for another year in the fall.
Who knows what could happen.

I Don't Know

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. -Neil Gaiman