Ghost

I always feel a bit lost.
It is never the sort of 'lost' feeling that breaks through my soul with screaming fury, but more like a dull and constant throbbing that never seems to disappear.
I am torn between leaving forever and thus finally taking the next step to my own true happiness, and staying behind and tied down for one more summer.
I shouldn't feel torn at all
The answer should seem clear
I just have a nagging feeling that I cannot leave until I find peace in this place.
Like a ghost:
Ghosts tend to linger in their original place of habitat until they feel they have satisfied every necessary aspect of their life.
Well if this is true, then my soul is a ghost lingering on
Moaning and floating in one place
Unable to rise into the never-ending sky
Until it faces its fate.
But my soul is ridden with even more troubles
Because its fate is simply unknown.
What do I need to do to be able to let go?
Why do I feel a pull keeping me tied down to this toxic environment?
It's grinding me to dust
It's suffocating me
Yet I can't help but feel that staying could finally turn things around.
But the realistic and cynical part of me knows that things can't and won't change.
When I'm here, I fear I will always feel unimportant, unnoticed, and simply second best.

Bullshit

I am sick of people's bullshit. I am completely and totally exhausted from pouring my heart out to people then having to go along with the charade they're playing. The one where they act like they even sort of care about the fact that my mouth is moving and words are coming out. I am then socially obligated to respond and act ever-so grateful for their generic comments and fake concern. Bullshit. One hundred percent mastered bullshit. Social media is toxic and sickens me further because self-important people rant on about their opinions as if they know exactly what's what and as if they will better the world if they share it. But the one particular spoonful of bullshit I can't swallow is the look people give me when I talk to them about my love life. Since I was sixteen years old I've been in and out of relationships thanks to my own emotional damage and confusion. And ever since then I've been continuously watering down my stories and problems just to avoid the uncomfortable silences of friends who are too busy judging and criticizing me in their heads to respond like a genuine human being and friend. I think that I, more than anyone, am aware of how messy, back and forth, and fucked up my life has been lately but that is my own concern. I haven't even begun to explain to my any one person the whole story behind what I've been going through for the past month or so and I probably never will, because what I have told them has caused glances that make me want to gauge out my own eyeballs so I don't have to endure their stares any longer. If you have something to say about the fact that you think I'm ruining my life, say it so that I can angrily correct you. If not, be a friend and show support even if I'm fucking every guy in the tristate area. But either way I'm certainly not going to continue trying to justify my own actions and make excuses for myself so that you're more at ease when I talk about my life. If you haven't been in my situation, then you don't get an opinion on how I'm doing it wrong.

Clarity

Lately I have been
Quiet
Introspective
I’ve taken a step away from everything for a while in the hopes of clearing my head
Things had gotten too messy
Two weeks ago I had no idea what I wanted, but I knew I could no longer go on living the way I was.
Sometimes I get so caught up in the idea of something
The excitement of something
That I lose clarity completely.
I was lured in and completely captivated for all the wrong reasons.
There he was
Handsome
Young
Interesting
Adventurous
And he wanted me?
Somewhere inside my 15 year old self was in awe and a state of ultimate and paralyzing flattery.
So
I ventured away
I immersed myself into a cool and deep pool of enchantment.
Finally
After heaving myself out of the water
After the water had cleared from my eyes
I realized that the enchantment wasn't quite what I thought it would be.
I felt foolish
And I was left standing on my own
Dripping wet with disappointment.
I desperately longed for everything I had so quickly and willingly given up:
Warmth
Comfort
Love.
I spent time alone for a while until I had reached my moment of clarity:
What's really important is to find someone who loves you
On both your good days
And your bad
And stick by them
Because they'll always stick by you.
I always make an honest effort to learn from my mistakes
And now I know that the one who inspires me
Who held my hand when my face was a mess
Who motivates me
Who moves me
Should never be taken for granted.
I am my own person
I finally feel deep down that that's true
But I like being my own with you.