Ghost

I always feel a bit lost.
It is never the sort of 'lost' feeling that breaks through my soul with screaming fury, but more like a dull and constant throbbing that never seems to disappear.
I am torn between leaving forever and thus finally taking the next step to my own true happiness, and staying behind and tied down for one more summer.
I shouldn't feel torn at all
The answer should seem clear
I just have a nagging feeling that I cannot leave until I find peace in this place.
Like a ghost:
Ghosts tend to linger in their original place of habitat until they feel they have satisfied every necessary aspect of their life.
Well if this is true, then my soul is a ghost lingering on
Moaning and floating in one place
Unable to rise into the never-ending sky
Until it faces its fate.
But my soul is ridden with even more troubles
Because its fate is simply unknown.
What do I need to do to be able to let go?
Why do I feel a pull keeping me tied down to this toxic environment?
It's grinding me to dust
It's suffocating me
Yet I can't help but feel that staying could finally turn things around.
But the realistic and cynical part of me knows that things can't and won't change.
When I'm here, I fear I will always feel unimportant, unnoticed, and simply second best.

Bullshit

I am sick of people's bullshit. I am completely and totally exhausted from pouring my heart out to people then having to go along with the charade they're playing. The one where they act like they even sort of care about the fact that my mouth is moving and words are coming out. I am then socially obligated to respond and act ever-so grateful for their generic comments and fake concern. Bullshit. One hundred percent mastered bullshit. Social media is toxic and sickens me further because self-important people rant on about their opinions as if they know exactly what's what and as if they will better the world if they share it. But the one particular spoonful of bullshit I can't swallow is the look people give me when I talk to them about my love life. Since I was sixteen years old I've been in and out of relationships thanks to my own emotional damage and confusion. And ever since then I've been continuously watering down my stories and problems just to avoid the uncomfortable silences of friends who are too busy judging and criticizing me in their heads to respond like a genuine human being and friend. I think that I, more than anyone, am aware of how messy, back and forth, and fucked up my life has been lately but that is my own concern. I haven't even begun to explain to my any one person the whole story behind what I've been going through for the past month or so and I probably never will, because what I have told them has caused glances that make me want to gauge out my own eyeballs so I don't have to endure their stares any longer. If you have something to say about the fact that you think I'm ruining my life, say it so that I can angrily correct you. If not, be a friend and show support even if I'm fucking every guy in the tristate area. But either way I'm certainly not going to continue trying to justify my own actions and make excuses for myself so that you're more at ease when I talk about my life. If you haven't been in my situation, then you don't get an opinion on how I'm doing it wrong.

Clarity

Lately I have been
Quiet
Introspective
I’ve taken a step away from everything for a while in the hopes of clearing my head
Things had gotten too messy
Two weeks ago I had no idea what I wanted, but I knew I could no longer go on living the way I was.
Sometimes I get so caught up in the idea of something
The excitement of something
That I lose clarity completely.
I was lured in and completely captivated for all the wrong reasons.
There he was
Handsome
Young
Interesting
Adventurous
And he wanted me?
Somewhere inside my 15 year old self was in awe and a state of ultimate and paralyzing flattery.
So
I ventured away
I immersed myself into a cool and deep pool of enchantment.
Finally
After heaving myself out of the water
After the water had cleared from my eyes
I realized that the enchantment wasn't quite what I thought it would be.
I felt foolish
And I was left standing on my own
Dripping wet with disappointment.
I desperately longed for everything I had so quickly and willingly given up:
Warmth
Comfort
Love.
I spent time alone for a while until I had reached my moment of clarity:
What's really important is to find someone who loves you
On both your good days
And your bad
And stick by them
Because they'll always stick by you.
I always make an honest effort to learn from my mistakes
And now I know that the one who inspires me
Who held my hand when my face was a mess
Who motivates me
Who moves me
Should never be taken for granted.
I am my own person
I finally feel deep down that that's true
But I like being my own with you.

Thoughts

Last night the build up of everything I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks enveloped me and dragged me into its darkness. Things that I used to enjoy seem to do nothing for me anymore. I've slipped into this combination of dissatisfaction and a feeling of helplessness. I'm dreadfully bored with my life and I can't seem to put a finger on why. Just recently it's occurred to me that without change, my life feels trivial and empty. I've always thought of myself as someone who needs consistency and stability in life, but apparently that's not the case. I'm going to get myself some help, some real help. It's a big step for me but I feel like it's time to stop avoiding the inevitable. I've thought about seeing a therapist or counselor for a few years now but was too fearful of ever admitting it out loud. Even now I'm really struggling with picking up the phone and making an appointment for myself. Last night all I could do was stare at the number on my screen and try to pretend like I didn't have an overwhelming need to cry right on the spot. It's a scary thing, admitting you actually need help. I've always taken pride in handling things internally and holding my own. I don't see myself as a very needy person, and I secretly despise the thought of being dependent on someone else for a pick-me-up or something of the sort. But depression runs deep in my family and I can feel myself spiraling into something bigger than anything I can handle on my own.

Utilitarianism

In my philosophy lecture we’ve been discussing the views of utilitarianism. A utilitarian essentially believes that every action you perform should completely maximize the happiness of the individual whom the action most affects. Of course there are a lot of controversies, issues, and other factors that play into this ideal, but recently we’ve been focusing on the utilitarian’s perspective of judgment of character. What makes a person good or bad? Some believe that the actions directly reflect the person’s character and depth of intentions. The utilitarian, however, stands firm with the whole "not of the act, but of the agent" ordeal. Actions could be morally wrong, but intentions tower over these actions like a looming unbreakable force. I’ve begun to wonder how a utilitarian (or any person in general) would perceive me if they knew the length and carelessness of my actions. Within these past few months I've undoubtedly failed to be the best version of myself I could be. Daughter, friend, girlfriend, human being. I've made decisions that benefit one while simultaneously bringing others down, but all the while meaning well. Is the phrase "actions speak louder than words" complete bullshit? Is there any chance that I still make the cut for the "good person" category despite my despicable actions?

The White Door

The dark shadows of an empty kitchen.
The hum of the fridge.
The muffled thumps of the music just behind the heavy white door.
Its click when you unlocked it
Its creak when you pushed it open
The darkness of it
The wholeness of it
As it led me into where we were months and months ago.
The hair I was trying to pull off of my neck
Your eyes I was trying to pretend I didn't notice
The silence I was desperately hoping would remain.
It didn't.
"I would take back France for you."
Echoing through my head
Like a record on a loop.
Why?
I didn't want to know.
Instead I smiled at that heavy white door
Politely requesting it pull me back out
The click of the lock
The light pouring in
The moving bodies
The sticky air
The desire to leave you behind
(half-hearted)
Trying my best to do so.

The Queen

Once upon a time there was a wide-eyed girl with spiral curls and a nervous tick
and her mother was the queen of the world.
In the girl's eyes, her mother knew everything there was to know.
The queen would answer the girl's questions
seamlessly
effortlessly
and the girl would smile up at her with satisfaction
flaunting the juxtaposed truth and bragging,
"my mom told me so".
Years later, the little girl will sprout
tall and curious.
She will glance down at the Queen and ask,
"are you answers justified?"
and the Queen will shake her head profusely
as if there is no other truth.
But the girl will finally see
the stubborn flecks in her mother's eyes
the ignorance in her tone
and realize that,
maybe the Queen still has a lot of growing up to do.

------------------

After the fight I had with my mother I realized that the words I threw at her were pointless and a complete waste of breath.
I had hung up the phone upset, but satisfied, thinking maybe I had gotten through to her, maybe opened her eyes. I had finally gotten to stand up to her and tell her what I really felt.
But later, once my throat reopened and my eyes had dried, I knew that my mother was only scoffing on the other end of the conversation, thinking of me exclusively as some naive child who has no idea what she's talking about.
She has yet to realize that I'm not a child anymore, but that I've formed my own opinions, beliefs, ideals
separate from her own. I have become an individual and either she has yet to accept that or she just doesn't want to.
My relationship with my parents has always been rocky
but after this I feel a permanent pressure against my ribs
because a gate has been opened
and I've been flooded with the realization of how different we really are
and how that will never change.

I've Experienced My First Healthy Breakup

Seth and I got coffee yesterday afternoon, in between my intense studying and mini panic attacks.
And it was nice. Refreshing.
He was skinnier than I remembered, he looked good.
We sat down and talked for two hours like nothing had changed.
He instantly apologized for everything, and said he had never intended to go to France leaving things with us the way he did. He told me he regretted keeping up so many walls when he was with me, refusing to let me in, and he said he didn't think I deserved that.
He also said that maybe it was good I had those five months away from him. He said he was glad that I was able to find someone that made me happy and to figure out what I wanted. He even told me that my boyfriend seemed like a really nice guy.
I was so shocked at how forward he was being about the whole thing that I was unsure of what to say first.
As I looked at him from across the table, I could tell that he genuinely meant every word. I saw how much he had changed and how much he had matured. And I smiled because I was glad for him.
I felt more at ease talking to him than ever before, because there were no more barriers between us.

As we reminisced over our relationship, I realized what I completely different person I was back then. Lazy, sloppy, too quiet, making poor health decisions, and unsure of pretty much everything. He and I got together at such a strange time in my life, when I was transitioning into reality, and discovering my ideal self. Seth even commented on how much I've changed, and it felt good that he saw it too. We touched on all of our old topics like religion and politics and general philosophizing and a warm feeling of pride surged over me, because I had finally formed my own strong opinions on everything and could give my input, rather than just let Seth talk at me.

Once we got up to leave, we hugged goodbye and he gave me a friendly smile and told me to take care. It was one chapter of my life that actually felt good to turn the page on, rather than wanting to throw the book across the room.

Self Loathing

My actions serve me with empty compliments on a silver platter

I grab at them, hopeful for the density and meaning they will fill me with

But the words are deceivingly flaky and useless 

They fill me with air and air alone

The more I consume, the more I desire

But I don't care about much anymore

So I eat them up nonetheless

And shrug off the bitter aftertaste 

and the total comprehension and complete understanding that comes with it

and walk around wide-eyed and innocent

as if I don't know exactly what I'm doing.

Release.

I went to Chicago this weekend hoping to get away, but you can't really get away from yourself. It was fun though. I've almost completely convinced myself that I'm going to move to the city for at least a few years once I graduate. I fear that if I don't I'll regret it and wonder why I never gave it a shot.

I've let you down but it's for the best for a while.
There's no way this will get better if I can't have space to breathe. I'm feeling suffocated, gasping for my own air. I've been locked up for the first two months of summer and now that I'm free I need to really be free, free from everything and everyone.

I'm starting to lose my grip on who I've always thought I was. I don't recognize my own actions anymore. I can't quite tell if that's good or bad. I think of my decisions this summer and the things I've lost because of these decisions, and still manage to feel content with my life. A lot of people who I used to consider my friends have slipped away, but it doesn't seem to bother me. Not that I don't care about these people, but because I would rather spend time alone than spend time with people who have become strangers I can no longer relate to.

I've learned that I don't have to have someone to talk to about every aspect of my daily life. Today's society has been raised thinking that it's okay to spew every single thought that passes through their brain. I wish people would realize that the words coming out of their mouths are worthless, that they shouldn't bother when no one really cares. I'm completely content with keeping my daily activities to myself. I vocalize things friends if I feel they're important or interesting, but that's all. Minimalistic conversations. The bare necessities, and that's the way it should be. But I suppose if everyone were that way, the world would be far too boring. I wouldn't have ditzy teenage girls' pointless stories to make fun of. Anyway, I digress.

I've completely let go of religion and the concept of "god" this summer. It's strange to label myself atheist, but I feel as though my entire religious education has been a lie. It feels like I've finally opened my eyes to the truth, and it's refreshing. It feels good to be realistic rather than naive, educated rather than talked at.

I've begun taking my film camera with me everywhere. That and my old, ripped up Kurt Vonnegut paperbacks. It's wonderful to wander around outside snapping pictures and stopping occasionally for water and a chapter. Clears my mind, which is everything to me these days.

we are all fragments of ghosts
ones that have touched us
run their frail fingers over our skin
brushed their lips against ours
sent thoughtful mumbled words through our ears.

so when a new ghost finds us
and grips us by our bones
how do we scrape off the souls
of the old?
they linger with us for a while
as a reminder
that although we're looking into a new pair
of eager eyes
full of sentiment
and ready for warmth
what we're experiencing
isn't new at all.

Summer is better
I'm breathing easier
but I think it's because
I've let go of you
and now that I've realized this mistake
I'm not sure how to feel the same again
It's shallow
It's all shallow to me
Is this something time will cure?

I'm sorry, I'm trying to be strong for the both of us but I can't always do that. Sometimes I need you too.  Sometimes I want reassurance and sometimes I'm just not satisfied with my own thoughts. I can feel my throat closing up because I'm slowly realizing that there's still so much more time between us and that my bones are slowly breaking under the weight of all of this stress. I need my friends more than ever right now but I can't spare any time to do anything but close myself off in order to diligently keep up with my classes. I need someone to recognize that I'm not okay and I need someone to show up at my doorstep and shake the sadness out of me with movie marathons and long talks under covers in the dark. Yet I refuse to reach out for help. I think it makes me strong but in reality it weakens me more than anything else. But I'm being stubborn. I know I'm being stubborn but I can't stop myself. On the inside I'm screaming through my ears and pounding on my ribcage but on the outside I am numb and my face is hollow. I need to be back at school. Not just because you're there. I love you. I do. But I miss being surrounded by others just like me and I miss being a ten minute walk away from the people I can relate to the most. I miss the smell of my building and the warmth of the laundry room. I even miss spending hours in the library with the creaky wooden door. I miss walking back to my room late at night listening to Sufjan and studying the lonely, waving trees. I need to get out of here. I'm so very sad and with reluctance I'm coming to terms with the fact that this sadness will reside deep within me for the remainder of summer.

A | L | O | N | E

being a   l   o   n   e
doesn't necessarily mean physically lacking other bodies
it does not have to mean missing ears that will listen
nor does it mean missing mouths that will give advice
most often it means
having all of those things
but lacking
understanding
of what it is
you're trying to communicate with them

so I will use my words
and fully recognize
that they will most often go unnoticed
and then proceed
to study the ground
nod my head
while I pretend to be interested
in what you're saying
in what you've said
directly after you've brushed off my attempts
to feel less
a   l   o   n   e

Last night, while on a late night excursion to Pancheros for drunk food, some friends and I wound up staking out another dear friend's house to make sure she got home okay (she was rather emotionally unstable at the time and drunkenly driving around at 3 am). We wound up giving her donuts and hugs and listening to her cry and talk in her driveway for a while. Which was good. I'm very glad she's okay and I'm glad we made sure of that. But the whole ordeal caused all sorts of thoughts to enter my brain...do I have anyone that would do that for me? If I was unhappy and driving around aimlessly late at night, do I have the kind of friends that would cause my phone to ring and ring and ring and wait patiently in my driveway for me to arrive home safely? My initial thought was "nope, no way, no one would want to do that for me". But I woke up this morning feeling silly for thinking that. Because I'd like to think that if I reached out in sadness, I have some pretty cool people who would be willing to go out of their way to make me feel better. The thing is, there is a huge difference between the upset friend from last night and me. I would have never called anyone in tears in the first place. I just tend to deal with things on my own. It seems sad and stubborn but it's true. I haven't always been this way and I am unsure of what has changed in me to spur on this perverse independence, but even in my roughest of lonely nights I will let thoughts fester in my own mind and attempt to work everything out myself. I think that some people tend to be less strong, more flimsy. Need others as their crutch sometimes. And are willing and able and trusting enough to allow it. I think I could occasionally use that too, I mean who couldn't? But I won't allow it. I'll shut myself off and remain sad and make things worse by dealing with it alone. And when someone asks me what's been up with me lately, I'll brush off the question with a simple "it sucks but I'm fine" kind of answer, all the while internally wishing for them to coax it out of me so that I'll feel like I have someone to talk to. Then I'll proceed to steer the focus of the conversation away from myself. I have consistently felt that burdening others with my petty issues is just that: a burden. I am worried that no matter how many people I surround myself with, I will be truly forever alone. The most frightening part is, I'm doing all of this to myself.

I miss the feel of your summer dress

I am wildly unhappy.

New Challanges

I'm hardcore procrastinating writing my essays for my Allen application. I don't know why it's taking so long for me to get around to them. I've put the application off for such a length that it's getting down to the point where I'm worried that I won't have enough time to complete and turn it in before the deadline. So I'm cracking down now. I guess. I'm still taking it really slowly, though. I feel like I'm delaying it because it scares me...I'm nervous. Once I hand it in, that's it. Then I'll just have to wait to hear back. I'm going to be so disappointed if I don't get accepted. I'd still have another semester to try and apply again, but I'd be so discouraged. I worked so hard this past semester. It's the first time that I felt like my parents were actually proud of me...and that I was proud of myself. Although the majority of my previous semester was spent in the library, my GPA makes me feel so good about myself that I'm 100% willing to continue to work this hard for the next three years. So I'll be sending my application off and waiting until June to hear my fate.

Kirkwood classes start next week for me, and I'll continue to work. Things are going to get pretty hectic in the month of June, but I'm going to be so grateful for some chaos. I've been doing virtually nothing. Messing around on my guitar. Painting a little. Reading a lot of Kurt Vonnegut. I try to keep myself busy during the day but there's just not a lot to do. My nightly routine generally consists of me doodling in my journal and falling asleep to the dim glow of Friends on my television at midnight. Wake up, repeat. The positive aspect of all of this down time is that I've been focusing on making healthier life choices. I've been working out every morning and taking the time to make healthier meal options for myself. I've been physically feeling a lot better. Eating healthier and being more active just puts me in an all around lighter mood.

As for the long distance....I can't tell if it's getting easier or if I'm just getting accustomed to being alone again. Some days are harder than others. There have been a few instances where he'll just have fifteen minutes to talk to me. I can tell he's physically and mentally exhausted so I will quietly sit and listen to him and tell myself that what I had wanted to talk to him about can wait. I think support is a really important part of a relationship. Sometimes you need to be strong for the other person, and set aside your own needs to focus on theirs a little more when necessary. Sometimes I get a little selfish and feel frustrated and complain that that's unfair to me. But I know that it's just what I need to do for this summer, because this is really important to him and I want to support him in any way possible. And I'm thankful to have a couple friends to turn to if need be. I miss him. But I know everything is going to be okay when it's all over.

Linger On

[Disclaimer: Here comes another boyfriend post because I have yet to begin work and classes for the summer and until then...this is about as interesting as it gets.]

When the distance first began I was on some sort of bizarre high. I was somehow excited about this new challenge for us...excited about how much stronger we would be after it, I suppose. After our first phone call I was beaming after all of the wonderful things he'd said to me about how thankful he is for my support and how his feelings grow stronger for me after each passing day. And with those words something wild was building up in my stomach, moving up into my chest and pounding incessantly wanting to break free. I was floating with blissful and surprising delight over how well things were going from miles and miles away. 

But I failed to recognize the early fog of naivety and last night I got a taste of what this summer is really going to be like. He made it very clear to me that we would only be able to speak on the phone three times a day. I knew that. I was well aware. I guess what I wasn't aware of was how difficult this factor would really make things. I go all day without hearing from him, which is fine. I mean, it isn't fine. Obviously. But I know that he's working all day so he couldn't talk to me if he wanted to. Then I get a text from him at 10:45 asking how my day went, we send a couple texts back and forth, and then he tells me that he has to be in bed by 11:00 because his day starts at 6:00 am. I totally understand that, and I want to be supportive. The frustration comes from waiting to hear from him all day and then having to be satisfied with a couple texts back and forth until the next night, when I'll be rewarded for my patience with just the same. With the exception of the three phone calls a week, of course.

I just need some distractions. And someone to talk to. Someone to talk to would be really really great.

I've been completely forcing the thought of being apart for three months to the darkest corner of my mind for as long as possible. Today when I was writing Michael a goodbye letter it resurfaced. I'm falling apart a little right now. This is going to be hard.

Nothing Significant

Nothing new or exciting is really happening. I'm just using this awesome SelfControl app (seriously, check it out because it IS awesome) which is preventing me from going on any other of my go-to websites for another 45 minutes, so I just felt like bloggin'. Rather, despite the usefulness of this app, I'm finding alternative ways to avoid studying anatomy.

Finals are next week. Next week is not going to be nearly as stressful as this week. In fact, next week will be a breeze. Most of my tests are this week, so I've been busy busy. Today I had a sickeningly cute picnic by this quaint little pond and trail area on the corner of Hudson and Viking with Michael. It was splendid. I have hundreds more freckles and am feeling satisfied as ever with our relationship. Speaking of:

The other night I had a bit of a freak out. I was studying for my Human Growth and Development class, and while I was highlighting away in my textbook, I came across an interesting research theory on forms of attachment. The section I was reading was essentially saying that if a child is neglected by a parent/parents, they will avoid emotional attachment in their romantic relationships, and those who do form secure attachment with their partners end up being irrationally jealous and overdependent. I suddenly felt sick to my stomach, feeling like I was reading a paragraph about my own development. That statement was so frighteningly accurate that I felt trapped. I suddenly felt as though I was doomed, despite my fighting efforts, for empty and destructive relationships for the rest of my life.  Because look: I've, for once in any of my relationships, let Michael in and now I catch myself fighting foul and powerful jealousy and holding back so as not to be overdependent. All because of my motherfucking father. That stupid bastard has ruined me.

I took a day or two of sulking and journaling and listening to Keaton Henson (who I've had a huge boner for this entire week, my GOD I love him) to mull things over. Then I ultimately decided, instead of accepting this fate, to work hardhardhard at my relationship, because I don't want to fuck things up the way I have in the past. So, I confronted Michael about something he did that kind of upset me. And I calmly discussed with him that sometimes, I just need some reassurance that he loves me just as much as I love him. And I proceeded to explain to him why, and told him about what I'd read in my textbook. When I say calmly though, really I ended up blubbering and crying like a sad pathetic loser in front of him while I was trying to explain all of this. But. Still. I was really proud of myself. I feel like the fact that I, FOR ONCE, was able to confront my problems head on like an actual adult shows that I've really matured. And I hope this means good things for the future.

I'll be back in the good ol' CR in less than two weeks. On one hand: yay! Because this means driving my car with the windows down and seeing some good friends and having a room to myself and having a bed that's not a loft and spending all of my free time with my fucking dope ass dog. And sushi house and painting and relaxation (for the most part). But...on the other hand: fuck. Because I don't think taking three classes and simultaneously working 30+ hours a week is actually considered "summer". And of course, the main reason I'm dreading summer: not seeing you for three whole months. It hasn't even remotely begun to set in yet so I'm still not sure how painful goodbye is going to be.

Okay I've got a lot of shit to do tonight. I've barely had any sleep. So little that I can't believe that it's only 8:52 pm on a Tuesday. Shouldn't it be Thursday or something already? Blah. Wow this was a shit ton of pointless rambling. Sorry friends. Rather, sorry single person who still maybe actually reads this crap that I post.

we are the ones who eat alone
hiding behind the plexiglass wall
avoiding the others' pitiful glances
studying the coconut atop our chocolate cake
intrigued by the parsley sprinkled on our boiled potatoes
our tabletop entertainment
our carpeted maze
we are intently trying to solve

Clouded

And suddenly you find yourself
scrolling through pessimistic and downtrodden love quotes
shaking your head defiantly
because you're sure that what you're feeling
won't ever fade
but little do you know
you've had this mist covering your eyes
shielding you from life's harsh sting of reality
for about two months now
and it's just a matter of time
before the clouds part
and you're back to scribbling down these gloomy quotes
on the side of your notebook.

Everything is okay.

Sometimes I get frustrated about little things,
the smallest of problems,
and let my frustration appear via a mini tantrum,
flop myself to the nearest couch and give up.
Michael swoops in and fixes things for me
seamlessly
and calmly.
Doesn't say a word
just silently makes things right.
Like the time my roommate changed the locks without remembering to tell me
I was freaking out
and he soothingly told me not to worry
called an RA
and got my key from the office for me.
I love this about him.
No one else has been able to offer me something like this before.
This feels so right.

One month until summer.
Steph's birthday weekend starting tonight.
Find out about my Allen acceptance/rejection in June.
It's a glorious day outside, I'm going to go enjoy it.

Mental Breakdown

Last night I had a bit of an episode. And by episode I mean I violently yelled at my annoying neighbors through the wall and then instantly burst into tears. I scared the shit out of my roommate, she had no idea what to do. Just piles upon piles of stress are being lain upon me and it's starting to be too much.

Basically the mental breakdown occurred when I realized that I wasn't as prepared as I'd hoped for my anatomy test today (which is in about an hour). It's my own fault. For the past month I'd be diligently going to the library directly after class and studying my anatomy content for three hours minimum. But for the last two lectures, I slacked. And this weekend was full of awesomely exciting activities, so by Sunday I was left staring at 8 pages of content that I hadn't even touched and hating myself. The thought of working so hard for so long for this test, a MONTH in advance, and then suddenly being fucked over all thanks to two days of slacking was too much to bear.

The main reason for the tears was an email I'd received a week or so ago from my advisor, saying that Allen College had recently turned away a shit ton of students.....most of who have a 3.5 GPA. And friends, I don't have that. It really freaked me out. i've been in panic mode ever since. I know I COULD do it, but somehow things always seem to get in the way and I always manage to fuck myself over in the end. I've been working SO hard this semester though. I feel a lot better after talking to Michael and a few other friends. It's useless getting upset about something that hasn't even happened yet, all I can do is continue to work as hard as possible and keep pushing myself.

Blah. I feel like my studies is overrunning my life. That's all I ever talk about anymore. Aside from school stuff, I think I'm finally settling down into my relationship with Michael the way I'm supposed to be. My paranoia is slowly sliding out of vision and being overlapped by a steady stream of happiness. It's nice. He was really there for me last night, and sat with me for over an hour while I went through my anatomy babble, just speaking my notes at him. I kind of forgot what it's like to have a person like that in your life. I'm more at ease in this relationship (now, finally) than I ever have been. I'm very excited for what our future might bring.

Ugh. Must continue studying. I'm always the happiest when I'm with the people I love. I wish love were enough to get you through life, but unfortunately money is kind of necessary too. Boo.

Post Spring Break

It is absolutely beautiful today. The window in my room is open and I'm wearing a tank top and shorts around my building. I don't think the library is open yet so I'm attempting to get some studying done at my desk, which is obviously going so very well seeing as I'm on the computer. It's so hard to focus when this weather makes me want to run around outside like a five year old.

Spring break was short but oh so sweet. I didn't get nearly as much studying done as I'd hoped. Which scares me. Especially after my visit to Allen College, the nursing school I'm planning (hoping) to attend. It's so competitive. Sometimes I worry that I'm not cut out for it. I need to push myself harder than I already am but I have so many distractions. Every time I think about my grades and my application for Allen, my chest tightens and I start to panic. Just need to keep pushing. My goal for today is to get everything I wanted to get done for the day done by 8 pm so that I can watch the season finale of The Walking Dead. That's all I want. Just need to take things one day at a time so as not to completely overwhelm myself.

I didn't see all of my friends that I'd hoped to see over break. It makes me sad knowing that I've drifted so far apart from people I'd used to consider some of my best friends. But I have a new life here in Cedar Falls now, and new friends here. And I can accept that. And I can be okay with that.

Michael met almost every member of my family. One thing I really love about him is how comfortable he seems when he's outside of his comfort zone. I envy that so much. I feel so awkward and uncomfortable around people I don't know and situations I'm unfamiliar with. He was awesome meeting my family, they all loved him. He stayed the night at my house Friday and we spent the night in my bedroom together, listening to City And Colour and talking until 3 am. We fell asleep together for a while and then he went to sleep in the bed my mom had made up for him. In the morning he kissed me awake and we had breakfast together before the St. Patrick's Day parade downtown. It was a wonderful day.

Now I've been back at school since last night. I got the teensiest bit sad leaving CR last night, but that feeling was instantly washed away once I arrived back in my room. I love it here. I don't know how many times I've said that but man, I really do.

Aside from the mounds of homework I have yet to finish, everything is pretty much perfect. I secretly wish summer would never come.

Pre Spring Break

I'm going home tomorrow at 3 pm and I am beyond excited. Granted, I'm going to have to continue studying anatomy every day but whatever. That's nothing new. I honestly think that the top, number one reason I'm so excited to be home is to SEE MY DAMN DOG. God, I am so in love with that little shit, it's unbelievable. Laying in my QUEEN SIZED BED is going to be pure bliss. And getting out of bed to get something won't be a complete hassle and inconvenience (hashtag whiny bitchy white people problems) kay I'm going to stop complaining about stupid shit now.

I should be writing my paper because I have 2.5 pages down and I need 8 total, due tomorrow. But I'm taking it easy. Lounging on my futon, blaring some RATATAT to cover the squeals of my obnoxious neighbors. Life is pretty damn good right now, despite my previous overdramatic post. I'm good now. I've worked things out in my brain and reassured myself that everything is okay.

Tuesdays and Thursdays are the absolute greatest. My roommate has class at 9:30, and Michael is just getting out of class at that time, so he comes over and crawls into my bed with me to get me up for the day. As I start to get ready he usually scrolls through my Tumblr for a while. I come over at sit on his lap, and we look through together, I share my coffee with him and break off pieces of my poptart to share with him as well. It's pure bliss. We call it "our day".

I've talked with my parents and they're letting him visit and stay over at my house next Friday. They met him at dinner when they came up to visit me the other night, and they really like him. And I think my little sister is especially excited about him being in my life, which is pretty damn cute. I'm ecstatic for him to be visiting me in Cedar Rapids. He's only seen one half of my life, and I think it's important to see the other half. See where I live. Where I'll be living when he'll be away this summer. Still really scared for that but trying not to think about it until I absolutely have to.

Life is good right now. See you tomorrow, Cedar Rapids.

I'm really not looking forward to summer for a number of reasons. I'm not all that enthusiastic to be living at home again, for a whole three months. I love my family, but we get along best when we're not all living in the same house. Sometimes I just need a break from them. One month at home for winter break was pretty much all I could handle. I can't imagine how three months is going to turn out.

Michael will be in Louisiana for all of summer doing his internship. Which really worries me. He lives in Winterset, which I'm fairly certain is only a couple hours away from Cedar Rapids. Dealing with commuting back and forth only every so often would have been hard enough. But now I need to attempt to grasp the fact that I'll suddenly go from seeing him every day to not seeing him at all for three months straight. It's going to be hard. Really really hard. Right now, he's directly down the hall from me. In the same building. On the same floor and everything. It takes less than thirty seconds to walk from my room to his. I'm not questioning whether or not to go through with the three months of long distance, because I know it'll absolutely be worth it. There is no doubt in my mind that I want to make what Michael and I have work for a very very long time. Mostly I worry about the potential ways in which I'm likely to fuck this up. I'm not good with long distance. The one long distance relationship I was in, for a short amount of time, went horribly horribly wrong. Being apart for one month would make me go crazy, second guess and question everything.

I've changed a lot since then, though. I realize the mistakes I've made. I feel much more mature. And to be honest, I am madly and ever-so-deeply in love with Michael. I have never felt this for anyone ever before. It's almost as if he's my other half. It's ironic, really, seeing as just a few months ago I'd been typing on this very blog in a fit of frustration, upset and concerned that I would never find someone who I could completely be myself around, never find someone that matched up with me perfectly. And then he just falls into my lap out of no where. The goofy blonde boy with the glasses from down the hall is suddenly sitting across from me at Panda Express, making me laugh and having me hoping for a second date. I love him, I do. When I tell him I love him, it feels as if it's the first time something absolutely positively true is coming out of my mouth. I've never been so certain of something.

Anyway. I will be busy this summer, so hopefully things will keep me distracted. I'll be working almost full time at the bakery. Taking two, maybe three, classes at Kirkwood. I've got Lolla (possibly Bonaroo instead) to look forward to. Hanging out with friends. And I've already thought of some painting/piano/reading projects I'd like to accomplish over the summer. Hopefully that will be enough to keep me sane and get me through three months.

As for what's happening now, I'm really happy. I'm getting much better grades than I was last semester. Fear is my constant motivation. I want to stay at this school. I'm working as hard as possible to ensure that that's possible. It finally feels like I'm forming a solid friend group. Ellen, Danielle, Stephanie, and I have been hanging out. And it feels right. We all get along really well. And I'm so excited to be rooming with Danielle next year.

Spring break is just a couple weeks away. I'm so looking forward to coming home to my dog and my bed and my mom's homemade cookies and my paintbrushes.

Relationships tend to turn me into a person that I really really don't like being.

Even as I type this I want to cringe at my own cliched corny thoughts
but
it really takes one person to make you realize why everyone else was so wrong for you.

After tonight I can honestly say
that this is the first time I've felt something real
in....fuck. Years.
Let myself feel something real.
I've kept up so much armor for so long
but for some reason,
out of all people,
you're the one finally breaking it down.
You're aren't what I'd expected to happen to me
but I'm so very glad you did.

Change

I've wanted to explain this about myself to someone, anyone, for a very very long time but I have no idea how to put it into words. And if I were to ever actually attempt to vocalize these thoughts to someone, it would take so long for me to piece together what I'm trying to say, that they would lose interest and stop give a shit about what I'm trying to tell them.

How do I even start this off? Okay, I'm going to start with my point first, and then sort of delve into it. I have not let a significant other know (or even see, for that matter) the real me for a very very long time.

Now let me explain. My first boyfriend was my first everything. I was new to any sort of contact, physical and emotional, with boys so I was unbelievably naive about everything in our relationship. Everything was so simple back then. I wasn't aware of painful heartbreak and couldn't even comprehend the thought of "falling out of love" with someone. So, naturally, I had zero guard up whatsoever. I was completely, totally, and 100% myself with him and I didn't think anything of it.

What I'm getting at here, is that my first boyfriend is the only person I've been with that's actually seen my whole, true self. No one else has seen that. Because, to be blunt about this, he fucked me up big time and I am sincerely fearful that I will never be able to be myself around any man ever again. And honestly, I don't know how women do it. I observe relationships around me, silently critiquing them in my head. "Stupid girl, why would you do that? He could dump you for that, you know. Fall out of love with you." When really, as I'm thinking to myself that these girls are 'doing it wrong', I know that I'm the one at fault here. In order to be in love, truly in love, you have to be able to be yourself and only yourself around your significant other. But I fear that I've become physically incapable of doing so.

It's sad to admit that no one has ever meant more to me than my first boyfriend. Because he was (and still is) a fucking cunt. We had nothing in common, and I was so young that I had no idea what I even wanted. I don't regret our relationship, because I learned from it, but I am embarrassed of it, and of the person that I was back then.

Now I've based my relationships/whatever mostly on sex. I am throwing myself at these men, showering them with physical affection in hopes that they will give me love in return. Such a cliched concept, and I haven't been doing it consciously, but I am now full aware that I've been guilty of it. They don't return the love though, they don't because that's not how things work. You can't suck a dick and hope that they'll love you for that without you opening up to them. Without you bringing down your guard and revealing yourself. I keep asking myself why am I so disposable to these men? They've all seemed to like me. They've seemed interested in me. The sex is great. All true, but it isn't enough for them. Great sex and being just a little more than friendly towards each other does not equal falling in love.

Now, let's trace all of this back to my biological father, shall we? On my birthday I received a somewhat startling and disturbing phone call from my dad. He only calls me on my birthday and Christmas. The phone conversation is always short. Lots of small talk and "just wanted to wish you a happy birthday/Merry Christmas" and it's over in a minute or two. This last time, he was wasted. Slurring words, forgetting what he was saying in the middle of the conversation. Even though I'm a big girl and I've talked to plenty of drunk adults in my life, this scarred me a bit. I felt as if I was thrown back into my childhood when he used to come home drunk and argue with my mother not so quietly while I was in my bed with the covers pulled up to my chin. I'm such a pushover, but I attempted to hint towards the fact that he should not call me drunk again, and that it's his own fault that he doesn't know his own daughter. I did not receive a phone call from him on Christmas. No card in the mail. Nothing. Although I strongly feel that my father is the scum of the earth and am full aware that I'm so much better without him, I couldn't help but feel hurt and unwanted. My own father doesn't want me. That got me to thinking. It's such a silly thought but I can't help but think, if he doesn't want me, why would any one else? I know, I know, ridiculous. But I can't help it.

I'm also very concerned that I'm using sex as a tool to find love because I've never really received any affection from any male relative. My father wasn't around for hugs or kisses (obviously) and my step father and I have more of a brother-sister bond than a father-daughter bond. Don't get me wrong, he's a great dad. We've just never been the hugging type. From a psychological perspective I am convinced that my biological father not being around is a very big factor as to why all of my relationships with men have been fucking screwed up.

Why didn't I cry when Seth left me? Why did I only tear up and then walk up the stairs and into my room and onto the futon and worry about the rest of my day? I still miss him a lot. He's still stringing me on but a big part of me is afraid that he only wants to keep me around because he's lonely and wants the touch of a woman.

Someone else is taking a genuine interest in me for the first time since my very first boyfriend. We've had one date and haven't so much as kissed yet and he wants to talk to me all the time, know everything about me. It feels good. It feels different, it feels like my first boyfriend, except this time I'm going into this as a not-so-naive young girl. I'm scared shitless because I've convinced myself that the second I show back some affection for him, he's going to get bored and move on to bigger and better things. Also, still not totally over Seth even though he's become the worst thing for me. And I know it. Yet I still won't let myself move on. Okay, now I'm just rambling.

I need to change this, I need to change the way I am. I am desperate for this change but I have no idea how to go about actually changing.

A New Year

It doesn't take much
I could go without talking to you for days
and all it would take is one little text
"I miss you"
"Need to see you soon"
"Can't wait to kiss you again"
and I'm right back where you want me.

I'm having trouble deciding if my New Year's Resolution should be to get over you or to wait for you.