Blonde And Goofy With glasses

There's someone new that's taken an interest in me.
But it's too fast
I haven't had enough time
to forget you.
He's trying really hard
and he's so so into me
he wants to know everything about me
he wants to constantly be talking to me
but it feels so forced on my part.
I even feel a little guilty.
Because I still miss you so much.
And I know it's not good for me
to let you string me on like this
(because you're stringing me on and you know it)
I wish I could just
*snap*
and be over you
forget you
never have run into you on College Street that morning
but I can't.

So instead...
come back?

I don't know how to explain to this adorable blonde boy
with the goofy glasses
that I think he's so very interesting
that I'm having trouble
letting go of someone else.

Leave Me Alone

Michael: Hey let me text you all hours of day, every day

Jonathan: I'm going to text you one time over break to let you know that you're cool and we need to hang out more

Seth: I'm going to text you when it's convenient for me and when I miss you...oh and btw when you want to text me I'll barely respond lol

Me: WELL FUCK THEN

A Few Things To Update

When I'm driving down Edgewood or getting dressed in the morning or listening to James Blake my mind drifts off and you're usually the first thing that comes to mind. I guess I miss you more than I thought I would. Saying goodbye was odd because it seemed more of a "see you later" than a "this is over". I'm looking forward to the letters you'll write me from France.

But god, I wish you would let me go. Out of the few break ups I've gone through, I've been the needy one afterwards. I've been the one who's broken down with drunk texts late at night or multiple "I miss you"s. This time I'm trying, trying so hard, to forget about you...but you won't let me. You've consistently texted me every night, as if to remind me that you're still around and that you're not going to let this go that easily. Funny how that works. And what did you mean by "who knows what the future will hold"? That's not fair. That's not fair of you to just say that and not expand on what you meant. You've always been like that, always have had your guard up with me. I wish you would put down your armor for just a little while so I would actually know the extent of what you've felt for me these past 3 months.

But my game plan, as of right now, is to focus on getting over you. I went on two dates on Thursday. It was weird, but refreshing to talk to new people. I don't know.

I'm home for a month. I've been reading a lot. I'm trying to get back into playing the piano. And I'd like to start using my film camera again. I'm trying to keep busy. Maybe I'll start writing again, like I did when I was younger. Who knows.

Consuming as much coffee as possible right now to will myself to stay up and study. I feel as though I haven't slept in days. I'm just trying to constantly remind myself that this will all be worth it in the long run, and next week I'll be able to do whatever the fuck I want and not have to study again for a whole month.

And also apparently tonight is the night that my brain finally decided to register that Seth is leaving in a couple days. Worst timing ever, I just really need to focus on my finals right now. Why is it that playing sad songs makes you feel better when you're sad? It does, it helps. It seems to bring my emotions right to the surface, but at the same time calms me. I've been listening to Bon Iver's cover of I Can't Make You Love Me for days on end. It just seems to fit.

But I'm really sad about this situation. I definitely didn't think it would be this hard. I hope I don't cry when I say goodbye to him.....
I'll probably cry, though.

I'm Going To Talk About Something Other Than My Love Life

I've been talking a lot about Seth lately so I'm going to change it up. Because I am interested in more than boys, you know.

As I've mentioned to a couple people, I haven't really made any solid friends since I've been at college. Of course I have Ellen here, which I'm so grateful for. But it's hard when it feels like everyone else is making all of these new and exciting people and I'm not. I know that a lot of it has to do with the floor of girls I live with. Because they're all retarded as fuck. And so annoying. I'm polite to them when I see them in the halls but while I'm in my room trying to study or sleep and they're yipping (literally yipping, much like little squeaky dogs) it's hard not to fantasize about punching each and every one of them square in the face. So the day I move out of this dorm is the day I will rejoice to the motherfucking almighty. Also, I do have some really awesome guy friends who I LOVE to hang out with. They're seriously the best and I'd consider a few of them some of my best friends. But sometimes I'd really just like to have some girl friends to relate to. For example, going out with my guy friends on the weekend is pretty bomb, but it gets weird being the only girl sometimes. And, hey, how can you blame me for wanting to have some "girl talk" from time to time?

But I've gotten over this whole not-making-any-girl-friends thing. I don't really give a shit anymore, because I don't have a whole lot of time to spend with friends. And the most important girls in my life, no matter the distance, will always be there to talk. And that eases my mind.

And I'm really loving my life in Cedar Falls. Which is kind of weird to think about, because even though A) I don't really have a whole lot of friends and B) the one person who I spend the majority of my time with is moving to France in five days, I'm still really happy here. And I think I'm just really happy to be...learning, as nerdy as that makes me sound. I never really tried or gave a shit in high school, and it feels so awesome to actually CARE. I love feeling so accomplished and feeling like I'm doing something worthwhile with my life. And as difficult as anatomy is sometimes, and as much as I complain and bitch about it, it's making me really really excited to go into nursing. I feel so fortunate have chosen a major that I'm certain I won't be switching out of. And I have to devote WAY more of my time to studying than any of my other friends, but it feels good. It feels really good.

Also, I think just being around new people all the time makes me generally happy. I like being in a lecture hall filled with people I don't know. I like the potential that that situation holds. College has made me a much more social being. There have been quite a few times this year where I've found some cool people that were complete strangers to me, contacted them in some way, and told them that they seemed pretty chill and that we should hang out sometime. That sounds like such a cheesy, cliched scenario, but whatever. I mean, it works so I don't give a fuck. A year ago I would've never had the balls to do that.

I really don't know what it is about Cedar Falls, but this place just makes me happy. I like being up here, doing my own thing. Being responsible. Being an adult. Of course, like everyone, I sometimes wish I didn't have to worry about shit and just lounge in my bed eating Doritos and watching my Friends DVDs, of course. But for the most part, I'd say life is good.

Maybe

Maybe this is how things are supposed to be.
Is it wrong that a part of me is going to feel relieved once he's gone?
Not because I won't miss him,
because I will definitely miss him
a lot.
But I've sacrificed many hours of sleep
many times I should've been studying
many times I could've been making friends
just to be with him.
Which is bad, I know
but I couldn't stay away.
Once he leaves I will feel no attachment.
I'll be able to focus on getting into Allen
and working out more, feeling better about myself in general
and spending time with new, enticing people.
Maybe I'll even get coffee with this cute boy with the glasses who's been asking me.

But man, am I going to miss him.
He'll be back for another year in the fall.
Who knows what could happen.

I Don't Know

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. -Neil Gaiman

Sunday Night

I can't put my finger on it, but something about Cedar Falls just eases my anxiety. Lately I've been getting this weird tightness in my chest when I go home. I can't explain it. It's as if I know that Cedar Rapids was just something that I needed to get away from. I feel like a completely different person when I'm in Cedar Rapids than I do when I'm in Cedar Falls. As we turned onto the Hudson Road exit, I breathed a huge sigh of relief, and it felt as though a huge weight was being lifted off my shoulders. Cedar Falls really isn't anything special, but for some reason I love it. I'm really happy here.

After unpacking everything that I'd brought home with me over break, I headed over to Seth's. I walked in to him cooking me a fancy dinner in nice clothes and a tie. It was the most adorable thing. He was just frantically running around with a towel over his shoulder, trying to make everything perfect. Then we sat at the table in his living room and ate his fantastic meal and drank some wine by candlelight. We chilled with his roommates for a while, who are both so awesome. And they treat me like an old friend, which really adds to the enjoyment of going over there and drinking a few beers with them.

After dinner we watched Bottle Rocket in his room. But the anticipation was so built up from not having seen one another for a while, that it was hard to focus on anything but each other.

I ended up staying over, and despite the fact that we both had to wake up early the next morning for class, we stayed up talking until at least 4. For some reason I felt closer to him that night than I ever had before. Everything about the night was perfect. While we were laying in bed talking in the dark, we both opened up to each other on another level. It was wonderful to share that with him. He told me about the time he first met me and what was going through his head. We opened up about past relationships we'd gone through and survived. He told me he had missed me over break and I told him I would miss him when he leaves. He's promised to write me letters.

I left his house in the morning with bittersweet feelings. On one hand I was so happy that our relationship had been taken to the next level, but on the other hand the only thing I could think about was how I've been handed something so wonderful, only to be forced to let it go. Some people probably think I'm getting too fixated on this situation, but it's hard, it's really hard. Especially since we're just starting to get to know each other. And I'm really starting to like him. A lot. A lot, a lot. It's that wonderful phase of a relationship where there's no fighting and no annoyances, everything is perfect, and you're uncovering this person and discovering that there's so much more to them than you ever thought there was. You're pulling back their layers and searching for the heart of their thoughts and their feelings, and you slowly start to realize that they're letting you. They're letting you open them up and they're letting you get through this guard they've built up so carefully for themselves.

After he leaves, I don't really know how I'm going to react. I don't know how long it will take for me to get over him, or forget about him, or move on to someone else. But I'm really really glad I've gotten to know him and spend so much time with him.

4:00 am

"I don't know what's going to happen down the road, but I know I wouldn't be able to get through this semester without you."
Kiss.
"I'll be honest, I'm scared."
"Of me leaving?"
"Yes."
"It's going to be hard. It's going to hurt."
"I haven't genuinely liked someone as much as I like you...in so long."
Roll over.
Arm around me.
"That's why I was so nervous about starting things up before I left..."
Pause.
"...but I would've rather known what it was like to be with you than to never have been with you at all."

I'm too happy with him

and it's scary as fuck.
I haven't slept in my own dorm in 4 days because I'm at his house almost 24/7. The other night I had a headache and while we were falling asleep he rubbed my head to try and make it go away. He does little things, such simple things, that make me realize how much I've missed having someone there for me in that way.

Last night we drank beer and ate pizza at his apartment with all of his friends and it was the most fun I've had in a long, long time. Those people are the kind of people I miss surrounding myself with. I felt perfectly happy and content in that group, and it saddens me that in a few months it'll be gone. I need to start meeting new people. Making new friends. Making new friends that I can actually relate to and not have to be around feeling like I'm someone they hired as their babysitter.

After the beer was gone and the pizza was cold and everyone went home tired, we showered and crawled into bed around 3 in the morning. Then we lay together talking about everything until the sun came up.

It's so unbelievably unfair that I've met someone who seems so perfect for me, and soon it'll all be taken away.

So remember when I said that I was just waiting for something to go wrong?

In 6 weeks Seth is moving to France for a semester.
Lol @ my life.

Seth and I are dating

It doesn't feel official, it all happened so fast that my head is spinning. But I'm so SO happy. I guess I sort of went into college planning on being single, wanting to be single. But it just took meeting this one guy for me to change my mind. This genuinely amazing guy, the best guy I've ever been with.

I slept over at his place Friday night. We had sex for the first time and then afterwards we just cuddled in the dark together, talking. He asked me what I thought we were and I told him that it felt like way more than just randomly hooking up. He told me he wouldn't consider himself single anymore. So that was that. In the morning I woke up to a kiss on my shoulder from him and then we made breakfast together. Then we sat down in his living room, ate our eggs and drank our coffee and made fun of a poorly-acted sci-fi movie. It was the perfect morning.

I am giddy and I just keep waiting for something to go wrong. Falling for someone is a scary thing, especially when you've forgotten what it feels like. Also I really just need to say that the sex is amazing. Like the BEST I've ever had. Too much to share? Yes, but it's not like this is a very public blog and it needed to be said.

Goodnight :)

There's A First For Everything

Had my first one night stand last night.
I literally look like a victim of domestic violence because my neck is just destroyed by hickeys.
It wasn't great. I kind of regret it. And it scares me a little that I only kind of regret it.
But it's Scarf Week thanks to the vampire bites on my neck, and I've decided to take a break from drinking for a while. It was getting old anyway.

I've met someone who seems to be genuinely interested in me. He's smart and cute and has traveled a ton and speaks both French and Spanish. We talked about music and movies for hours, but I'm not letting myself get even a little excited because in the past, getting my hopes up has never lead to anything good. Also this guy seems a little too good to be true (especially for me) so I'm just going to go with the flow. Whatever happens, happens.

My dad called me at 10:30 the night of my birthday. I was drinking with friends and he happened to be completely hammered. How ironic. I'd never talked to my dad drunk before, but hearing him slur his words and cry to me about how much he misses me just angered me more than anything. I yelled at him to get his shit together and be the adult in our relationship and hung up the phone. He is such a pathetic excuse for a human being that it sickens me. I refuse to let him have any part in my life from now on. How could I forgive him for that? Waiting until late at night to call me from a bar, while blackout drunk? After the phone call I went back into the room with all my friends and took more shots. That sounds like a pretty backwards reaction to what I'd just experienced. But I wanted to forget about him and enjoy what was left of my birthday. But I swear I will never let myself become my father. And I'll end this post with a big "fuck you" and goodnight.

C'est la vie

Why did I kiss him? I keep asking myself this because now I feel trapped by someone who is completely unavoidable thanks to the fact that we live just a hall away from each other. What was I looking for in that abandoned lounge in the basement at 4 in the morning? Someone to talk to, surely. It was dark and he was handsome and I felt confused, rejected by someone I've been lusting over for a month or so. So why did I kiss him? To feel better about myself? To feel less lost and alone?

Why did I let him think that those cheesy and completely ridiculous lines were working on me? They weren't. I'm absolutely, totally and 100% unimpressed. Maybe he is right, in one sense, maybe I am different than other girls. Because I don't fall for dark, muscular men in the corner against a brick wall looking into my eyes telling me how beautiful I am. I'm laughing to myself right now just thinking about it.

You think you have me wrapped around your finger? You think I've fallen for you? You are barely a passing thought during my day, all I want is the quiet blonde boy with the glasses who intrigues the hell out of me for a reason I can't put my finger on. All I want is the one with the sideways smile and the goofy laugh. All I want is the one who seems unimpressed with me, the one who is uninterested.

Circle of life.

I never want to go home, I love it here.

My Complicated Relationship With My Parents

It's really frustrating, in a weird sort of way, hearing everyone in college talk about how homesick they are because they miss their parents. I've been here for over a week and I haven't felt homesick once. Not once.

My parents and I have an odd relationship. It was really rocky for a year or so, and it can still be not-so-great at times, but for the most part it's okay. I don't have trouble communicating with my mom. I can talk to her about pretty much everything, give or take a few personal things such as boys or drama. On the outside looking in, my mother and I seem to have a pretty healthy relationship.

In a heartbeat I label my stepfather as my actual father. He's been more of a dad to me than my biological father ever was. But growing up with someone who cares for you like a father isn't anywhere near the same as growing up with someone who gave you life. I think, for a long time, I had tricked myself into thinking that it made no difference, but it does.

My parents and I don't really show affection towards one another. We hug on rare occasions and I can't remember the last time my mom and I exchanged "I love you"s. Up until my little sister was born, I called my stepdad Jeff. We've never said I love you to each other, it's just not the way our relationship works. It's not that we don't love each other, because I know that we all do...it's just that for some reason we don't do well at showing each other affection.

When I was 11, my mom announced that she was pregnant with Ava. I think that's when these problems began. My little sister was given so much love by both of my parents, that I think I felt pushed off to the side. Especially with my mother. My mom used to spoil me so much, but when Ava was born that just ended. I was overwhelmed with jealousy and feelings of rejection that I started to curl into my own shell, distancing myself from my mother.

The hardest part about being born into a fucked up marriage, is that while I was being ignored by my dad, I had to watch my step dad give Ava all the love that I never got from a father. Jeff is the most amazing parent. He cuddles with Ava before bed, hugs her close when he reads her books, and kisses her goodnight on the forehead. I'm always itching to escape from my house because I can't stand watching this little girl get everything that I never had.

I've never admitted any of this to anyone, not even myself, I don't think, until now. I have been psycho and socio analyzing myself regarding this situation for a long long time. I'm starting to seriously consider seeing a therapist, because this shit just eats away at me daily.

If things with my parents and I were different I think I would have a desire to go back to Cedar Rapids.

It's all about to come out

I just wrote an unnecessarily long and whiney paragraph bitching about everything that I'm sick of but I decided to erase it because I figure that no one would want to read that sort of melodramatic shit. I didn't even want to reread it.

What I hate the MOST out of all my whiney, bitchy, and completely senseless girl problems is the fact that everyone seems to have someone to turn to, really, whenever they're in need. I miss having someone appreciate me for who I am. Not appreciate sex with me. Not appreciate me as in a oh-yeah-I'll-invite-her-to-this-group-thing-but-only-because-she's-always-invited-even-though-she-just-kind-of-sits-there kind of way. But really appreciate me. I miss phone calls and late night visits and feeling someone's arms around me. When someone who really cares about you just wraps their arms around you, real tight, oh god that's the greatest thing. It seems to melt away any negativity you've been feeling that day, and I haven't experienced that in far too long. The fact of the matter is, I fucked up both my relationships. Both of them. As much as I'd like to pin it on the other person and say that they were just being total fucking dick heads, I know deep down that I was the one who drove them away. And I don't miss those relationships, I really don't. I've learned from them and won't make the same mistakes again...it's just that the end of both of those relationships stemmed the realization of how much of a worthless human being I seem to be.

Self-loathing is beginning to bombard my vocabulary.

I've been in far too many shitty situations this summer as far as boys go. So much that I'm starting to think that there's something wrong with me.

Am I better than this?

Reality

Nothing irritates me more than when I start to talk about something going on in my life and the person I'm confiding in completely disregards what I'm saying and starts talking about themselves slash something else. This is why I keep things to myself, this is exactly why. Because I swear this happens to me with everyone. Everyone.

I rarely bring up my problems anyway, but even when I do I instantly regret it because I know no one really cares anyway.

My views and opinions have changed so much since last year, it's shocking. Sometimes I feel as though I'm becoming more negative as I get older, when really I know that I'm just being realistic.

I want to cry but I won't let myself because I feel stupid doing so, knowing that it won't do me any good.
I keep all of my feelings, thoughts, emotions bottled up and eventually it's all going to explode in my (or some other poor victim's) face but I don't know what to do because no one could possibly understand what is going through my head. And even if they could, I don't have the words to explain any of it.

I used to wonder how I turned out so normal, going through the horror that I did with the way my father treated my mom and my parents' divorce and such. I used to be thankful that I didn't turn out to be some fucked up crack addict or something. Well, no crack for me, but I do seem to be fairly fucked up.

This is my downfall. I blame my childhood for who I am. I blame my past for my lack of affection with everyone, EVERYONE, especially my mom. I blame my past for my unwillingness to open up to anyone. This is what has caused me to feel so alone, so closed off from everyone else, absorbed in my own thoughts.

I thought I was going somewhere with this but I guess not. My mouth tastes like beer and I'm tired and rambling.

I'm that girl

the one who doesn't know how to open up and avoids sharing her emotions
the one who only has physical affection to make her feel loved

shit, I'm that girl
how did I get this fucked up?

At first I was all "blah blah blah, emotions, blah" but then I realized that sex > emotions at this point in my life.

The ache of wanting what you absolutely cannot have.

Well

We had sex. We shouldn't have, but we did. I felt shitty about it first but not so much anymore. And he's sexy so way to go, me.

But we're done. We ended things, rather he made the final decision, because he didn't want us to become "too attached". I think the reason I'm the most disappointed is because I don't open myself up freely with a lot of people, but I found myself instantly doing so with him. He was one of the few people that I've been 100% comfortable around, and that's something that's kind of rare for me.

We don't talk at all anymore, despite the fact that he made me promise him we'd still be good friends. He didn't come to my grad party (I shouldn't have taken it personally, because there were so many that day, but i did). He called me at 3 am last night (drunk, I can only assume) but I was asleep.

But I'm living my life. Taking things day by day. It's summer, so I'm happy.

The Fact That I Still Have No Idea What's Going On Makes This Increasingly More Complicated As The Days Go By

But what I do know is that I'm happy. And honestly, I'm really not worried about where this is going. Everyone keeps asking me what's going on between us, and I just shrug because that's really all I can give them. This year I've discovered just how content I am on my own. So if this ends up becoming something we both decide to commit to, great. If not, whatever. Either way, I know that I can be happy as the independent person I've become.

It's been about a month since we've started talking and hanging out. We really get along well. We don't have a whole lot in common, but our personalities just click. And I think that's what's genuinely important. I once had a bit of a thing with someone who's every interest was exactly the same as mine, but I was never comfortable around him because his personality just did not mesh well with mine.

I look forward to the eye contact in the hallway. When we cross paths and lock hands for just a second. When I'm laying on your chest and we're talking and you brush my hair out of my eyes. It feels good. It all feels good. It feels...familiar. Like I'm regaining what I used to have two years ago. That completely comfortable, happy bubble.

Prom is tomorrow.

"I don't really care if you hook up with other people, we can't have a thing."

Texting me 24/7.
Talking on the phone for hours at a time.
Hanging out multiple times a week.
Public displays of affection at parties on the weekends.

If that's not a "thing", then what the fuck is?

Two Days Difference

Saturday night was cold and damp, but when the smoke filled my lungs I started to forget the cold and focus on the luke-warm beer in my hand. We laid close together on the couch, under a flannel blanket. Your hand was around my waist and my head was laying on your chest and we sat and talked about our favorite colors and hobbies and silly things we do when no one's watching. And we kissed and kissed and clasped our hands together and you told me I had pretty eyes as you tucked a lock of hair behind my ear.

But now I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach because of something I was informed of late last night. I would rather know, but now my bliss has vanished completely and been replaced with worry. She is nothing like me, short and blonde and bubbly, while I stand tall at 5'11" with brown wild hair and a quiet and sometimes awkward personality. What I hope is that you're over this ex of yours and that two Saturdays ago was just a drunken mistake, but I'm also smart enough to be cautious. Niether of us want anything long term. But he wants to get to know me more because he thinks I'm awesome. He called me Cait, which makes me smile, because only one of my closest friends calls me Cait.

It feels exactly like it did when things were first starting up with my first boyfriend. Absorbing everything about each other. Texts during school telling me that I look pretty in what I'm wearing that day. This has bad news written all over it.

I'm scared out of my mind of what this could do to damage the strength that I've worked so hard to build up. Excited to have this feeling back that I haven't experienced in about a year. Unsure of how to even handle this situation. Hoping I'm not as naive as I used to be.

Apparently Saturday Night Was Just What I Needed

After feeling really down for so long, I got off work at noon, cranked out a bunch of shit for my 10 page research paper I have due this upcoming week, took a shower, and started to get ready for a birthday party at The Man Cave later that night.

The party was great. We walked in and felt slightly uncomfortable at first, standing around trying to akwardly mingle with all these people that we didn't really know, but at the end of the night we were all taking shots and dougie-ing together. And the more time I spent there with all of those random people just thrown together in the same room, the more glad I was that Taylor wasn't invited. I would have been constantly wondering who he was talking to and what he was doing...and for what? Nothing. He doesn't want anything to come from any of our hookups so why should I act like there's potential there? So I stopped giving a shit, and I had one of the best nights of my life. Especially the flirting with Jake. That was the best. And at the end of the night he kissed me. He was sitting on the stone steps leading out of the backyard, and motioned for me to come sit by him. I stumbled over, pretty well drunk by this point, and sat down next to him as he put his arm around me. And then he asked to kiss me (he fucking asked, how classy and gentlemanly is that?), and we kissed for a long time. I pulled away and told him I had to go, but he grabbed my hands and pulled me back in and whispered "don't go yet" and we kissed some more until I finally broke away and ran to my car where my friends where waiting. Still melting from the situation.

He asked Ben for my number the next night and was texting me. He told me I was a good kisser (fuck yes) and last night Bailey told me that he suggested to Ben that we go on a double date this weekend (double fuck yes). So this weekend the four of us are going to smoke together. It's only Tuesday. This week has the potential to be the slowest week of my life.

In other news, Taylor and I are fighting. Again. Who knows if he's even going to want to go to prom with me. He's mad that I lied and told him nothing was happening Saturday night instead of telling him that he wasn't invited. And he's mad that I made out with Jake. He won't talk to me or even look at me. I understand where he's coming from, but I honestly think he's blowing this way out of proportion. If he doesn't want to be involved with me at all, then why is he allowed to be mad when I kiss other people? Ridiculous.

26 days of high school left.

My Serious Concern For Myself

Lately I hate everyone. I have no idea why or where the hell it came from, but I can't help it. Everything, everyone is irritating to me. Everyone is smiley and happy and I want to hole up in my room for days at a time with only my cat and my Friends DVDs. The problem with everyone suddenly irritating me is the fact that it's making me feel extra isolated and more alone than usual. I feel as though no one understands how I've been feeling lately because I can't clearly explain it myself. And when I've tried explaining my emotions to those who ask, I mostly get "I'm sorry"s and sad faces and then they move on with their lives. And it's not as though I blame these people who are trying to make me feel better, and I certainly don't expect them to do anything about my problem...I just wish I wasn't feeling this way. Generally when I'm feeling down I can just be around friends or push the issue out of my mind and instantly feel better. And if I could do that in this case, I absolutely would. And I've tried, I really have, it's just that nothing has been working.

I've convinced myself that it's a combination of the loneliness of not having someone there for me at all times and the confusion I've been having about Taylor (not even going to get into that). It's not that I don't enjoy being single, because oh man I do. I really do. It's just that sometimes it's a little depressing, seeing everyone around you have someone to turn to while I have my own head to go inside of and nothing/no one else.

Something else that I've been noticing lately has really been getting me down: for whatever reason, a lot of people like to come to me with their problems. Both my close friends and those that I'm associated with but really only talk to in classes. When my friends come to me with problems, of course I'm always more than happy to be a good listener and give them as adequate advice as I can. But when it comes to my problems, there doesn't really seem to be anyone out there who genuinely gives a shit. It's really painful when you attempt to open up to someone and hear them respond with "mmhmms" and "uh huhs" and realize that they're reading texts on their phone and not paying attention to you whatsoever. And people wonder why I'm such an introvert.



***for my friends who may or may not read this: I don't actually hate you. I'm just going through a tough time right now, please don't take this offensively!

He Apologized.

And of course, seeing as I'm the world's biggest pussy, I forgave him. Instantly. I once heard about this study on a radio talk show that proved when guys looked or sounded just a little bit sorry, girls will instantly forgive them, even if their actions show that they really aren't that sorry. So, yeah. I did just kind of want to put it behind us anyway, because I don't think I could stand not being on good terms with Taylor, even for a day. Who knows why, I don't even understand myself half of the time.

But I still feel really shitty about the whole thing. I feel pretty used and unwanted, and mostly undesirable.

My sunburn on my chest hurts like a bitch. I'm going to wear dresses every day this week. I'm putting off doing this research paper. This really sexy guy asked me on a date the other night but I don't really know him so I feel like it's a weird situation. Bye.

Experienced My First Fight With A Friend

Went to Ben's party on Saturday night. Taylor was being a huge douche, and I was getting so pissed off. Long story short, Taylor was all over all of my friends, including one he had just been talking shit about, and then the second she walks through the door he tells her he wants to kiss her. And I already feel like I'm in constant competition with this one friend, and for the first time, ever, I feel like I have a one-up on her. Because he's sitting there telling me that I'm awesome for being so chill and blah blah bullshit blah. Then she walks through the door and he can't sit down next to her fast enough.

I storm out, pissed about the entire situation. And I'll admit that I was a little jealous that he was all over a bunch of other girls too, but I really didn't care all that much. Not until I heard that Taylor was being a dick to Jake (the basketball player) because he was jealous. He had saw that Jake and I were alone talking for about 20 minutes, and went on a rant telling everyone he was jealous. That's when I started to get more angry, when I heard about that. Because if you care so much then why the fuck are you all over my friends?

I left around 12:15, to take Bailey home and to be home on time for my curfew. By this point Taylor was plastered and I was saying goodbye to everyone and he could tell I was pissed. He was calling my name while I was walking to my car but I ignored him and kept walking. He chased me down and was persistently asking me why I was mad at him. I just kept telling him that we needed to talk about it when he wasn't drunk and that I couldn't explain it all or I would be late. The conversation ended with us screaming at the top of our lungs at each other and him screaming "FUCK YOU" to me and threatening the end of our friendship.

I went to my car crying.

I haven't heard from him since. No text or anything.

I should've just hooked up with Jake.

How I've Been Feeling About Life Lately

My last post was slightly over dramatic, thank you PMS. But I do seem to be slightly hung up on Taylor. I'll come back to that in a moment.

Here's what I really need to talk about: the fact that this is the first time that I've actually felt really good about myself. I've never really thought of myself as someone that "all the guys" would be after, or whatever, and I never really have been. There's never really been a solid period of time when I've been single, but now that I have been for over three months, suddenly I've gotten all sorts of attention. Which took me completely by surprise. And I love it, I love all this attention. I mean, jesus christ, one of the school basketball players has said something to someone about me. He wanted me to come to a party he was at that one of my friends was throwing. And, believe me, this guy could pretty much get any girl. It just amazes me that he wants me, out of all people. Attention like this makes me never want to be tied down in a relationship again. But then, sometimes I'm reminded of how lonely single life can be. Which brings me to my next topic.

I can't seem to shake the feeling about Taylor that has snuck up on me so suddenly. We went to a party again on Friday night, he was insanely drunk and I just had a couple of beers in me. We didn't hook up as much as we did the first time. We really only kissed a couple times. For the last portion of the night, for about an hour, we were really just cuddling on the couch. His arms were around me, and my legs were swung over his while my face was buried in his neck, breathing him in. It was something so simple, but it was perfect. It just felt right. I'm so comfortable with him, he just makes me feel...at home. I just kept thinking, "how is this any different than us dating?" Everyone saw us together. We had both sobered up by then. But I know full well that when I walk into French class tomorrow we're both going to act like nothing ever happened. I really don't know what to do anymore. At this point I really just wish I didn't have any feelings for him. He sends me so many mixed signals that I'm in a constant state of confusion.

In other news: that night at the part we discussed having sex together on prom night and agreed to it. We shook on it and everything. So. That's happening.

Still unsure of where I'll be going to college. I can't even get into that right now because every time I think about it I just get so frustrated I want to scream.

Ready for the month of May to come. Interested to see how certain events of summer play out.

If I knew for sure what falling in love felt like, I might be so bold as to make a strong statement about how I feel about my best friend right now.

But these days I'm not really sure what the fuck I've been feeling.

Expected Drunken Hookup With An Unexpected Person

So I need to get some venting out and seeing as this is the only reliable place I'm able to without 90% of my friends reading it, I'm coming back to this blog for right now.

Last night I went to a party at my friends house. I invited Taylor along because we're going to prom together and I wanted him to become closer to my friends so prom can be as fun as humanly possible. We all got drunk pretty fast, taking shot after shot. It started to go around that Taylor was telling everyone that he wanted to make out with me but didn't know if I wanted to. And let me tell you, my drunk self wanted to.

To make a long story short, we made out. And then danced and talked with my friends. And then made out some more. Repeat. By the end of the night, we were laying on the couch together talking and laughing and kissing drunkenly. And it was wonderful. Because here's the thing: over the past four years that we've been friends, Taylor has become one of my absolute best friends. I can literally talk to him about everything. French class is less about learning and more about talking to Taylor about life and getting/giving advice. For the past few years I've always kind of thought that some day Taylor and I would get together. And I'll admit, right when I invited him to the party I think I saw it coming. It was just so insane that it was actually happening. We kept talking about what the hell was going to happen when we woke up next to each other, completely sober. He tried to tell me that it wasn't going to be weird, but I knew better.

While everyone else was falling asleep to a movie, we continued to hook up on the couch together. It got progressively more and more intense. His hands and lips were all over me, covering every inch of my body, and I definitely wasn't complaining. I've hooked up with about two guys since my last boyfriend, and neither of the hook ups really meant anything to me. When we kissed, it was just alright. But last night while everything was happening with Taylor...it was pretty indescribable. It felt so amazing, so...right. That probably sounds insane. But I don't know how else to describe it.

Both of my boyfriends had been my best friends at one point, but I'm convinced that they only became my best friend so that we could eventually date. That seems pretty obvious to me. But with Taylor, he became my best friend gradually, without either of us expecting anything from each other. I think that's what made us hooking up so amazing.

Here's the thing: I have absolutely no idea what I want from this. He doesn't know either, I know he doesn't. This morning is was obvious that he felt weird around me. We both woke up at the same time, turned and looked at each other, and laughed. We both are very aware of how odd this was. He walked me to my car in the morning and asked what I was thinking. I told him I didn't know, and he asked if I wanted to think things over. I asked if that was what he wanted to do, and he said yes. So then he said goodbye and I guess right now I'm supposed to be thinking? About what? I don't know what I want from this. My main concern is destroying the amazing friendship that we've built over the years. And the fact that I'm so used to being his friend that I feel like I'd have no idea how to act in any other situation.

I remember tidbits of things he said last night: he kept telling me that I deserve everything, I deserve something amazing. He said something along the lines of me always "being there" but him never really seizing the opportunity of me being around. I was pretty drunk when he was saying this, so I wish I could remember our exact conversation. Because we talked about what we wanted to be to each other for a solid hour or two last night. And I heard him talking to all my friends about me. Liz, Hannah, Bailey, Kaitlin, Emily, all of them. Tomorrow Laura's having a party because her parents out of town. I think I'll be needing to get some more information then.

So, to sum up: drunkenly made out with my best friend last night. Not quite sure about what I'm supposed to be thinking over. Wondering when we're going to talk about this again.

Despite the conflict this situation has brought upon my life, I definitely don't regret it.